


Hollow Inside

by rareheartzz



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Aged Up, Angst, Anxiety, Cuddles, F/M, Fluff, Literal Sleeping Together, Name Change, Therapy, Trauma, after i am my monster, felt like i needed to see more of what happened ya know, fluff?, give him therapy please, idk kiss?, kiss, self harm and suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:27:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23509159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rareheartzz/pseuds/rareheartzz
Summary: ***On hiatus***With the weight of his actions heavy on his shoulders, Steven struggles to come to terms with his life and trauma. How could he ever be forgiven for the horrific monster he was? His entire life has been fighting and protecting those who love him, but what happens when he needs to be protected and loved?*Characters are aged up, so imagine if Future took place 2 years after the movie. (i.e Steven is 18 and Connie is 17)**Set after the events of I Am My Monster but before The Future*
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Connverse
Comments: 39
Kudos: 208





	1. Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> *Trigger Warning* 
> 
> Depressive thoughts, self-harm, and possibly suicidal thoughts. If you are ever in crisis I have attached the suicide hotline, so you can talk to someone and work through how you feel at that moment, 1-800-273-8255. Don’t forget it is always okay to reach out for help, you are only human.

Specs of dust floated around in his room as Steven lay in his bed looking up at the ceiling, well if you could call it looking. He wasn’t focusing on anything, his eyes were open and facing upward so technically he was looking up, but his mind was elsewhere. 

_ Not good enough _

His chest started to tighten.

_ Everyone’s problem _

His eyes started to burn.

_ Shatterer _

He brought his left hand up in front of him reaching for the ceiling.

_ Monster _

A noise cried out from his throat, it was almost a scream, and he immediately clenched his palm over his mouth. Why was he such a baby, why couldn’t he just handle his emotions. Why did he always feel like he had to cry.  _ What a coward _ . He couldn’t cry, he didn’t want anyone to worry, he couldn’t let anyone hear his pain. He had to stay strong, for them. For his dad, for Amethyst, for Garnet, for Pearl. For Connie. 

_ Shit, Connie. _

Steven’s face fell to the right where she was sitting on the floor beside his bed, holding onto his right hand. He guessed she had fallen asleep while watching him for that night, Steven couldn’t keep up with whose turn it was to watch him. She began to stir, upon hearing the troubling sounds Steven had made, gently pushing her leaning body off the side of Steven’s bed taking her hand away in the process. As her eyes began to open Steven winced, not wanting to face her yet, quickly looked away in the hopes that she would think that he was still asleep. No such luck. 

“Steven, are you okay?” Connie’s voice was filled with concern. 

He didn’t answer, hoping, praying that he could fool her. 

“Steven…”

She was more stern this time, her voice almost demanding an answer, but it was still soft and affectionate as she always was when it came to him. She knew he was awake, she knew he wasn’t okay, but he didn’t want to bother her. He thought she was already wasting so much of her time staying with him, losing hours that could be used for something more important like studying or college prep. He couldn’t burden her, not again. 

Then he heard the wood floors creaking under her weight as she began to move. She crept to the other side of the bed where Steven had turned away from her. She sat down with her back facing him, head turned to look at him. He was holding everything in, his eyes burned from his attempt to hold his tears in, but as soon as she looked down at him he couldn’t keep them in any longer. His whole body caved in, his knees curling in closer to his chest and his arms wrapping around his legs, his face tucking into his knees. He wanted to disappear, he didn’t want her to see him like this. He didn’t want to  **_be_ ** like this. 

“Steven would you look at me, please” Connie pleaded with him, slowly moving to place her hand on his upper arm. Steven’s body recoiled from the light touch and Connie quickly pulled her hand back to her lap. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to... I just-I just… I want you to know you can talk to me an-and feel safe. I want to make you feel safe.” She said trying to comfort him.

Connie looked down at her hands and started to fidget her fingers. She traced her index finger along her thumb and felt a stinging sensation in her throat. She was starting to cry now. She didn’t want to push him too hard too soon, but she couldn’t help it. She cared for him so much and seeing him like this, so empty and vulnerable hurt her more than anything. She quietly sniffed and wiped a tear from her cheek and took a deep breath. She turned around and propped herself up against the wall with her legs straightened out across the length of the bed. She looked down at Steven who was looking up at her with concern in his eyes. 

“W-Were y-you crying?” His voice was shaky and raw.

Connie looked stunned. Of course, that’s what would get him to talk, someone else in pain. She didn’t answer him, but she didn’t have to, he knew. He wanted to assure her that he was fine, even if it was a lie, that she didn’t have to worry about him.

Steven slowly tried to push himself up, with every movement his body filled with pain, his brow furrowing at his discomfort. Every muscle in his body was sore from that day, his back still ached fresh from the wounds from the trans…

_ Monster _

He froze, unable to move. Connie’s arms instinctively reached out to help him when she saw but stopped dead in her tracks as soon as she saw Steven face tense up. She slowly continued her reach awaiting some sign from Steven that this was okay.  _ He couldn’t do it himself, he wasn’t strong enough. _ He sighed and let his muscles go limp under her grasp, allowing her to pull him up and lean him against the wall, his head falling onto her shoulder, looking down at the space between them. 

Another small whimper crept out of Steven’s throat but he quickly covered his mouth with his hand again.  _ Again? What a fucking loser _ . He couldn’t stop it this time, it was too much. The heartache, the physical pain, the whole ordeal. It was too much. He buried his face into Connie’s lap, hands clasped over his head. He couldn’t hold back anymore, he had to let it out.

“Connie I-I’m so s-sorry… I d-didn’t w-want any of t-this to h-happen.” Steven sobbed.

“You don’t need to apologize silly, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Connie replied, half-heartedly chuckling through her own tears.

She moved her hands up to meet Steven’s on his head, resting them there for a moment, then slowly moved his hands off of his head down where he quickly gripped onto her thighs. She replaced his hands with hers, running her fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down. Connie could feel the hot tears pooling onto her skin as Steven lay there His breath got shakier and shakier leaving Connie more concerned every second, she stopped and tilted his face to look up at her.

His eyes were bright red, swollen from how hard he was crying. Tears streaming down his face and his nose running a little. His heavy eyes bore up at her, filled with anguish and torment. She lightly ran her thumb across his cheeks to wipe away the tears, and Steven leaned into the touch not wanting her to stop. Connie began to move her hand away when Steven grabbed it.

“Wait… d-don’t stop.” He said sheepishly, consoled by her soft touch. 

Connie smiled and brought her hand back to his face, brushing her thumb softly over his cheek methodically. Steven nuzzled into her hand and let out a trembling sigh. He stopped crying under her touch, comforted by the fact that she was there. He still felt all of his pain, all of the guilt for what had happened, but his body was so tired. He was so tired _.  _ He stopped trying to fight her and gave in.

“I’m not… I’m not okay, but I don’t know what to do. I just want…” Steven trailed off anxiety building up again. He didn’t want to burden her, not again. 

“Steven, you know you can tell me anything,” she faltered for a worried she was pushing him too hard too fast, ” I understand if you want to be alone, I just needed to see if you were okay. “ Connie quietly muttered the last part.

She began to shift to stand up, pulling her hand away from his soft cheek, when she felt a tug. Standing beside his bed she looked back, Steven was face down on the bed gripping onto her pinky finger. 

“Please...please don’t l-l...,” Steven’s tone sank, ”l-leave me... I was going to say…” Before he could finish tears started to flow down his cheeks again.

Connie knelt down beside the bed cupping Steven’s face in her hands, guilt creeping in for making him cry, again. Somewhere between her frantic sorries and soft tears, Steven had lifted his eyes to look at her face. She hadn’t noticed, she was looking down in shame at what she had done to the teenager in front of her, but Steven didn’t look away. In time she began to feel his gaze and slowly lifted her head to meet his soft eyes. They paused for a moment, caught in a single second in time. Frozen, until Connie was able to break her mind away, Her grip tightened slightly as she pulled herself closer to him. Hovering only centimeters away, both of them were breathing heavily, the moment hanging on the tip of their tongues. 

“C-conn-” 

Before Steven could finish he was cut off by Connie’s lips crashing into his. His entire body stiffened in shock but quickly melted into her grasp. He hadn’t felt this calm in days, hell in weeks. Her lips gently pressing to his, her strong hands cupping his face, both of them fresh with emotions, the moment so raw. As Connie pulled back Steven saw the shimmer of her tear-filled eyes in the moonlight.

“I just…” Steven sighed trying to find the words,” I want you to stay...please” 

Connie rubbed his cheek one more time, nodded, and started back over to where she was situated earlier in the night when she heard a quiet noise from the boy on the bed. 

“I meant, with me,” Steven said shyly looking down at the vacant space next to him. 

Connie felt her cheeks heat up, flush with red. She smiled and softly planted herself on the bed next to Steven allowing herself to relax into the mattress. He sighed in relief knowing that she would stay with him, and secretly she did too. Now Connie could make sure that he was safe, safe in her care. 

In the quiet of the room, the pair shifted so that they were facing each other. Quiet eyes looking at each other and soft breathing filling in for conversation Connie scooted towards Steven, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into her chest. She could feel his body relax into her and his breathing slow to a normal rate. He moved his arms around her neck, making sure there was no way he could lose the one thing keeping his anxieties away. 

“Thank you…” He said softly, warm breath hitting Connie’s chest.

Connie smiled, answering him by tracing circles softly on his biceps. Slowly, with their breath matching up, the pair started to drift off, in the comfort of each other’s arms. The room around them slowly fading until they were both fast asleep, legs intertwined. Safe


	2. Dreams

Light started to trickle into Steven’s room slowly as the day started to break. Connie was wide awake watching the sunrise through the tall windows in the room. She had woken up when it was still pitch black outside, unable to stop thinking about everything that had happened in the last few days, the proposal, the hospital, and Steven’s breakdown. The slow and steady shift from black to subtle hints of purple to yellow mesmerized her keeping most of her thoughts at bay. She sighed heavily, closing her eyes and letting the beams of light dance across her face.  _ This was nice _ . Connie wished Steven was awake with her to soak in how peaceful the world was, but seeing him so peaceful was enough to make her heart sing, enough to make her beam from ear to ear. 

Steven’s dark curls had fallen against his forehead as he lay snuggled into her chest. Connie began twirling one of his curls in her fingers while watching his chest rise and fall. This felt right, being there for him, holding him. She had wanted to do this for so long, but the timing always seemed off especially after Steven proposed. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to marry him, she had always planned on being with him forever, she just needed to do so much more before getting married. They were so young, Connie wasn’t even out of high school, and technically they weren’t even dating. She still wanted to be with Steven, but she didn’t want to be bound by a contract just yet, she wanted the chance to experience life together before they committed to forever. If she had known what he was going through maybe she would have found a better way of telling him that instead of opting for “not now” but he had concealed himself so well. He hid everything from everyone, even her. 

Connie lightly shook her head, she didn’t want to think of that right now, she wanted to stay in this moment, savoring every second of it. Soaking in every detail so she would never forget. The way her head laid atop his, the way their legs were woven together, his arms wrapping around her waist. The feeling of his stomach rhythmically rising and falling against her skin, the slight sweat that had accumulated on Steve’s forehead, all of it. She wanted to remember every millisecond.  _ Wait.  _ Connie could feel Steven’s breath picking up and his body starting to twitch. At first, Connie thought that maybe that was just something he did in his sleep after all this was the first time they had ever really shared a bed. Soon faint whimpers began to slip out and Connie quickly became concerned. He must have been having a nightmare. This had happened often over the last few days, but Connie had never been in the room with him while it did. She wondered if it was about his corruption or any number of events that had let up to it. Steven’s gem began to flicker with light and his cheeks began to glow a faint pink giving her an answer, it had to be about his corruption. Connie knew she had to wake him up, the gems told her that if he started to shift in tint that the situation was serious and they could all be at risk of another outburst. 

“Steven… Steven… Steven!!!” The worry in Connie’s voice grew exponentially, but he was still completely asleep. 

There was pink everywhere, the sand, the ocean, even… even him. Everything was white-hot and closing in around him tightly. His chest was burning and his thoughts were moving so fast he could barely understand them, then he came crashing to the ground. Everything in his life was a lie, his mom, his childhood, everything was ripped away from him by powers that were out of his control. He couldn’t take it anymore it was all too much, it had been building inside him for 16 years and it was finally too much. The last thing he saw was the feet of the gems, Connie, and his dad closing in around him before agony hit him. His back ripped open, his bones crushing through the transformation, even his healing powers couldn’t save him now. Bones shattering as his body continued to grow, skin shredding around him as he reached his full form. Steven’s mind was gone, he no longer knew who that person was, nor did he care. He was corrupt, like the thousands of gems the diamonds had tainted. There was broken wood all around him, shattered glass beneath his feet, and faint screams filling his ears. Then he started to hear something else, not a scream but a voice calling from the distance. 

“ ...St-steven…” 

There it was again, calling that name, a name that was so familiar, but he couldn’t place where he knew it. A friend? A loved one? No, none of those seemed right who could love him when he was like this? Who could love a monster? The name fit somewhere, but it wasn’t clear until moments started flashing in front of him. He saw a young kid sitting in the back of a van singing with his father, then singing on stage with women who must have been his aunts, and the same kid laughing and eating biscuits with his friend. The same friend dancing with him on the beach, both of them blushing wildly and they spun in each other’s arms until there was a bright flash of light. He knew these people, he knew these memories. They weren’t foreign to him, they made his heart well up. One last image flashed before him, he saw the friend, that girl, this time facing him, her lips moving but no words were coming out. He moved closer to her trying to understand what she was saying. 

“Steven, c’mon you have to wake up, you need to wake up now!” There it was again, that voice. He backed away from the girl slowly, then it hit him, this had already happened. All of these moments were in the past, and they were from his past. He had lived through this excitement, love, and pain before. 

Steven shot up with a scream.  _ What was happening? _ He could barely breathe, his chest rising and falling at an alarming rate. His lungs felt like someone had shrunk to the size of blueberries and then someone ran over them with a car, no two cars. His eyes quickly scanned the room to find that girl in front of him, her name was Connie. Steven’s brain was still trying to fully wake up when he saw her kneeling in front of him with a frantic look on her face saying something to him. He clutched his ears, they were ringing so loudly that he couldn’t hear a word of what she said. He could hardly see her, his vision blurring at the edges.  _ This was not good _ . He hadn’t had a panic attack like this since the night of the incident. When it happened his dad told him to find something to ground himself, look for something to help bring you back to reality. Those words played back in Steven’s head as his eyes jolted around the room. He was looking for something, anything, that could help when suddenly Connie wrapped her arms tightly around him. 

“I’m here Steven, it’s me, Connie. You’re okay. You don’t have to be afraid, I won’t let anything happen to you” Her voice was like honey, soothing every ache in his mind. 

Connie pulled away from the embrace and cupped Steven’s face in her hands looking longingly into his eyes and smiled softly reassuring him that he was safe. Steven reached up to his cheek and grabbed Connie’s hands, interlocking his fingers with hers and bringing it down to his lap. He let his head sink into the comfort of Connie’s hand still cradling his cheek, tightening his grip on the hand resting below, wide eyes starring up at her. Connie pulled his face up to meet hers, resting her forehead on his. For a moment they were both completely still, soaking in the silence, with unfaltering eye contact. Steven was the first to pull away he needed to lay down, he didn’t want to go back to sleep but his body ached, so he turned his head to look at the bed behind them. Steven shyly looked back at Connie still holding tightly onto her hand. Connie didn’t need words to understand what he meant, so she slowly made her way to the side of the bed hands lingering for a moment before they were too far apart to continue the sweet touch. Steven stayed frozen for a moment. His brain was still going absurdly fast, but it was calm enough for him to stand, clear enough for him to think.  _ Connie. _ Connie had grounded him. His cheeks turned a light shade of red as he felt a quaint smile creep onto his face. In his panic, he forgot the one person who had always been there for him, the girl who had spent the night in his bed to make sure he was safe.  _ Connie.  _ Of course, she could bring him back to reality. Turning his head back he saw her shuffling around with the covers trying to straighten them out. She was so beautiful, her hair framing her face as she laid the blanket out and smoothed it across the mattress.

“Hey, what are you looking at you little tomato?” Connie teased while piling the pillows back at the head of the bed. This only made his cheeks turn a brighter shade of red. As she started to crawl across the bed to him it only amplified his bashfulness. She reached out and tugged at his arm, wanting him to lay back down, but there he was, frozen, again. Connie tugged slightly harder this time, making a funny strained face in the hopes it would make him do as she wished. 

“Seriously you need to lay back down. I get it if you don’t want to go back to sleep, I wouldn’t either, but you need to let your rest your body.” She spoke like her mother would have with a patient, but Steven didn’t mind, not when she was right. 

Steven flopped back onto the bed letting out a deep sigh. He wiggled his way up the bed and his head fell onto a pillow watching as Connie did the same. Both of them starred at the ceiling watching as more light began to pool into the room.

“H-hey… nevermind,” Steven began nervously but decided against quickly. He immediately regretted this decision because now Connie was looking at him with a confused look which then turned into “well now you have to tell me”. 

“I don’t know… I guess, Thank you,” He mumbled trying to cover his tracks.  _ It didn’t work. _

“What were you gonna say, you can’t leave me hanging like this,” Connie teased and lightly brushed Steven’s shoulder with a playful punch.

“No really, I’m just really grateful that you’re here. I don’t know… you make me feel safe,” He hadn’t lied technically, he felt everything he was saying. By now Steven was bright red, once again relaying his emotions to his best friend.

“Oh just come here you goofball,” Connie held her arm out motioned for Steven to come to her, which he did without any question. With everything so up in the ait and confusing he was sure of one thing. He knew he loved this, being in her arms, feeling her close to him. 

The two teens laid in each other’s arms in silence. They didn’t need to talk right now, they just needed each other. Neither one was sleeping, just soaking in the sunlight and huddling close. Connie would fiddle with Steven’s hair or Steven would trace funny shapes along Connie’s arm, switching off when the other’s hand got tired. All they needed was this, being close to one another and showing affection. 

Affection was something that the two were not unfamiliar with, but Steven was not used to being this painfully aware of it. When they were younger and would hug or hold hands it didn’t send a shock up his spine or make him blush, it just was something that happened. Being totally engulfed in one another? The kiss? This was different, he felt butterflies in his stomach when he was near her now but was that a bad thing? The kiss was nice, but he had never done anything like that before. He sort of assumed it would happen eventually between them, but it still left him completely in shock. The soft pressure of her lips against his, the flood of emotion in his head, he had never felt anything like that before, and he kind of wanted to feel it again.

“Connie, can I ask you something?” Steven abruptly ended the silence. A small murmur from Connie told him that she was listening.

“Well… Oh jeez, this is kind of embarrassing. I wanted to know why you kissed me last night,” Steven said meekly. He could feel Connie tense up around him, then she sat up. Steven sat up too, worried he had upset her.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable… I thought, gosh I don’t know what I was thinking,” Connie spoke in a flustered tone but was cut short by Steven grabbing her shoulder and turning her around to face him. Steven was looking at her intently, examining her eyes for any trace of discomfort, which he didn’t find. His eyes slowly moved down to her lips, they were quivering, and he could hear her trembling breath. With a smooth motion, Steven closed the gap between them. Everything happened so fast that Connie could barely think straight, she was awestruck by the moment. She felt her face heat up when their lips met, the sparkes went off in her brain, all of it was so magical. They may have kissed last night, but they were not in the right headspace to acknowledge let alone understand it. This time it was different, she could understand everything about it, to her, it made the most sense in the world. Connie felt her body instinctively lay back onto the bed, subconsciously melting under his touch. She reached up and put her hand in Steven’s hair pulling him down with her, feeling his weight on top of her. Their heartbeats pounding in their ears as they continued to meld into each other. The melodic beating now coming from outside of them, almost like footsteps. 

“Steven? Steven, are you awake?” A voice coming up the stairs jolted the two teens out of their trance. Steven pulled back sharply leaving Connie gasping. They lay there looking at each other for a moment, processing what had happened when Pearl walked into the room mumbling something about breakfast. Upon seeing the position of Steven and Connie she stopped dead in her tracks swiftly covering her eyes with her hands.

“Oh, oh my…” Her voice cracked,” I-I’ll come back later,” Pearl sputtered out, immediately turning her around and heading back downstairs. 

Steven and Connie anxiously waited until they heard Pearl’s voice from downstairs to burst out laughing. Steven fell onto Connie, his head in the crook of her neck laughing hysterically. She too was laughing wildly at how absurd the situation seemed. With the events of the last few days, the most unlikely situation that could happen was Pearl walking in on them in a compromising position. Steven rolled off of Connie and settled into the bed beside her gazing up at the ceiling. Connie was still laughing, covering her face with her hands.

“I can’t believe that just happened,” Connie managed to spurt out between giggles.

“Me too,” Steven chuckled, “I- I think I needed that,” Steven said confidently. 

Connie looked at him confused.  _ Which part had he needed? _ Steven could see the embarrassment on Connie’s face, he knew what she was thinking.

“No, I mean Pearl being… Ya know, Pearl,” Steven tried his best to explain, but he seemed to lose Connie in the process. He chuckled again, she was so cute when she got like this.

“I mean I really enjoyed the other part, don’t get me wrong, but I just thought Pearl running off like that was super funny,” Steven said in the hopes to settle her nerves.

He stood up from the bed letting out a small groan, his injuries definitely hadn’t healed yet. He made his way over to his dresser and grabbed a set of clean clothes. Connie watched him as he sauntered away from her, he looked better. He was no longer limping and his stride was slowly returning to how it used to be. Still watching she saw Steven begin to tug at the hem of his shirt, and she immediately shot her hands over her eyes. Apparently, this made a sound because she heard Steven laughing and making his way over to her. 

He pulled her hands away from her and said, “I’m gonna get dressed, but if you want you can tell everyone I’m up,” He said with a slight smile, he rescued her with the suggestion. He knew when Connie was in uncharted territory and too embarrassed for her own good. She stood up and smiled back at him, nodding her head as she made her way towards the stairs. Steven set his clothes down on the bed and quickly caught Connie’s hand before she had left his room, and pulled her into a hug.

“Seriously, thank you. I don’t think I would have made it through last night without you,” Steven mumbled into their embrace.

“You don’t need to thank me silly, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Anything for my Steven.” Connie said as she pulled back lightly squeezing his hand before heading down the stairs.

Steven sighed in relief, as he plopped down on his bed. Things felt right, they felt manageable for the first time in weeks. The thoughts of that day never left his mind, but maybe with some help, they could stop terrorizing him. He may not be okay right now, but he knew he could be. He knew that with the people he loved around him someday he could finally feel better. 


	3. Shards

The floor was cold, the hardwood panels creaking under him, his toes curled with each step. Steven’s pace was slow as he made his way down the stairs, he wasn’t sure how the morning would go. He hadn’t really spoken to the gems since the incident and he wasn’t sure how ready he was. They had a few short exchanges, asking how he was or if he had eaten that day but nothing with a lot of substance He loved them, of course, but all of his thoughts over the last few months were astoundingly negative especially about those he loved. Steven had started questioned their actions or lack thereof. Why hadn’t Garnet seen his corruption? Why hadn’t Pearl noticed her destructive tendencies in him? Why couldn’t Amethyst remember how much he could hate himself? He knew he wasn’t their entire lives and had responsibilities, but he couldn’t help but feel abandoned. As soon as he saved the galaxy they began to pull back a little, whether it was because he had grown up or they didn’t need him anymore, he couldn’t tell the difference right now. Steven couldn’t help but feel a little angry, he lost his childhood to their world and was left to pick up the pieces by himself. Looking back he would do anything to have nights out at the movies with his family or take a test in school, anything to feel normal. Looking back he would have changed a lot of things. 

As his feet hit the floor of the living room a loud creak rang out and the entire atmosphere changed. The gems stopped in their tracks at the sight of Steven and to his shock, he saw his dad sitting with Connie on the couch laughing over their cups of hot cocoa, he didn’t know  _ Greg _ was still here.

“M-Morning guys,” his voice hesitated, smiling shyly he brought a hand up to his neck.  _ This was gonna be awkward _ . He wasn’t sure how to act around them anymore. Should he try and act like the normal happy-go-lucky Steven they were used to or let his guard down and be present with his emotions even if it made them uncomfortable.

His thoughts were stopped by a swift embrace of the three gems. His eyes widened at the force it, this, for some reason, was not what he had expected. He stumbled, they almost knocked him to the floor, and as they slowly pulled back he saw tears welling up in their eyes. Steven couldn’t lie, it was hard to see them like this. He had seen them cry before, but the pain in their eyes now was different. Pearl’s lip was quivering, Amethyst was avoiding eye contact at all cost.  _ This is how they must have felt after Rose...  _ Garnet, however, was looking right at him. She had a slight smile on her face as she placed a gentle hand on Steven’s shoulder.

“You seem to look better my little man,” She said in her smooth voice. Garnet’s voice had always found a way to calm Steven down, and right now was no exception. She must have known, if Pearl didn’t tell her then she foresaw it happening. He let a small smile creep onto his face at the thought of the night before. 

“Thank you,” he chuckled lightly,” I feel a little better too, I was able to actually sleep for part of last night sleeping with...” He trailed off when he felt warmth rush to his cheeks. The words had left his mouth before he considered what would happen if he said them in front of everyone.  _ Sleeping with Connie _ . He quickly glanced at her sitting on the couch, she was staring intently into her mug, her cheeks were a deep shade of pink and her leg started to bob up and down. Greg glace at Steven with a confused look.  _ Pearl had  _ **_not_ ** _ told them _ . Before Greg could figure out what their embarrassed expressions meant Garnet swooped in to save them.

“All that matters now is that you are feeling better, right guys,” Garnet motioned to the other gems around her, nudging them with her elbows. They all snapped out of their worry, Pearl nodding furiously and Amethyst blushing slightly, neither of them had been particularly good at showing their love in situations this serious. 

Steven mouthed “thank you” to Garnet, getting a smirk in return before he headed into the kitchen. He needed something, even if it was just water. He had spent days alone in his room, this meant the only time he ate or drank was when someone else brought it to him, but that often went untouched. He couldn’t bring himself to eat even if he wanted to, he just didn’t feel hungry. He was worried about more important things than how many calories he ate that day. He shuffled around the cabinet looking for a cup, settling on a small glass one. Steven turned towards the sink, twisting the faucet until water started to flow into the cup, watching it rise along the length of the cup. For a moment he stopped paying attention and didn’t realize that the cup was full until he felt the chill of the water on his hand. His eyes floated down to the water trickling down his fingers and flowing out of the cup.  _ Control _ . Steven snapped back to reality, quickly turning off the faucet. 

“You okay there Schtu ball?” Greg’s voice breaking the silence in the room, it was just loud enough to sent a shock down Steven’s spine. Steven shot around, his hand wet from the spill causing him to lose his grip on the cup. It slipped out of his hand and plummeted to the ground in front of him. His eyes fell to the broken cup, dozens of tiny pieces surrounding his feet with water creeping around his toes.  _ Shatterer.  _ His face felt hot, his hands balled up into fists, and his cheeks started to turn pink, the kind that meant trouble. Swiftly he knelt down and started to pick up the pieces, an aching feeling in his gut. This was familiar, does picking up damp shards off the ground after losing control sound familiar? His hands were wet from the glasses shards on the ground before him, they began to slip and in one split second on piece sliced across his hand. It was the entire length of his palm but was not too deep. His skin breaking open as the glass etched its mark into him. Blood ran down his hand into the pool of water below, tainting it with his red. He didn’t notice and kept picking pieces up and piling them together. He was lost in his actions, he hadn’t noticed the gems calling his name or Connie searching for the first aid kit, he just saw the shattered glass before him, until a light hand on his shoulder and saw Pearl kneeling before him.

“Steven are you okay,” Pearl asked calmly, but Steven didn’t understand,” You cut yourself on the glass,” she motioned down at the bloody mess before them.

“ Just let me do it, okay?” Pearl said as she tugged Steven’s hand away from the sharp fragments. He flinched, pulling it back quickly never taking his eyes off of the glass at his feet. 

“No, you don’t understand,” his said shakily, ”I need to put it back together, I need to put her back together!” Steven’s voice was harsh and breaking. His eyes grew wide as it left his mouth.  _ Her, Jasper. _

“Steven…” Pearl’s voice was hoarse and she stopped moving.  _ Did he really feel like he had shattered someone just by dropping a glass cup? _

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Steven’s tone dropped, now filled with regret. Pearl wrapped her arms around him sharply and held him tight. The others in the room kept their distance, not wanting to smother him, letting Pearl comfort him for a moment longer.

Steven pulled back from the embrace and looked back down at the mess below him, oddly his hand was still bleeding and dripping into the puddle. The red following the trail of water as it spread across the kitchen floor.

“Come on Steven, I will get the mop and the broom, why don’t you let Connie clean up your hand alright?” Pearl said lifting him up off the floor, and leading him to the bathroom with her hands cupped below his to catch any runaway beads of blood.  _ Why hadn’t his hand healed already? _ She stuck his hand in the sink, letting cool water run over the slit before she headed out the door. His eyes fell again to the running water, as it cascaded off of his hand it became diluted with pigment. Steven could hear Pearl calling for Connie outside, followed by a quick “yes ma’am” and light footsteps encroaching on the bathroom. As she entered the room he heard the door close followed by a small sigh. Connie placed a small first aid kit onto the floor and made her way over to Steven, turning off the water and slowly placing her hand on Steven’s back.

“ C’ mere,” she said motioning to the red kit and led him to it. Connie sat on the floor and Steven quickly followed suit, crossing his legs and dropping his hand to the floor. Connie picked up the paper towels she had brought in and pressed them down onto Steven’s palm while she opened up the box and grabbed a small alcohol wipe.

“This is probably gonna sting, I’m sorry,” She said quietly, pressing down onto the gash. Steven’s winced but quickly got used to the feeling, the burning was nothing compared to what he had felt before, but that didn’t make it pleasant. Connie started to clean around the cut, wiping the edges tenderly, turning his hand over in hers looking for traces of other injuries. Laying his hand on her thigh she looked back to the kit and grabbed a roll of gauze and anti-bacterial cream. She dotted the cream around the broken skin, rubbing it in gently. When she finished she began wrapping it firmly with the gauze, tucking the end into his palm. 

“This is what we are going to do for now, but once it heals up you can take this off,” She said placing her hand atop his. She smiled softly at Steven who was still looking intently at his hand, the bottom layer of gauze starting to change in tint. 

“I don’t think my powers are working,” Steven said quietly. He looked up at Connie, his eyes welling up. 

“Oh, Steven,” Connie saw the tears start to fall down his cheek and brought his head to her chest, rubbing his cheek softly” You’ve been through so much these last few days your body is just having a hard time keeping up, which means your powers are too.” 

Steven’s eyes fell to the bathtub, the same one where he desperately tried to put Jaspe back together only days earlier. The pain was always there, he didn’t think it would ever leave even if he got help. He did something atrocious and he should be ashamed of that, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be reminded of it.

“I don’t think I want to be in here anymore?” Steven said after a few minutes of silence. He lifted his head and motioned to the bathtub. 

“Oh, yea, of course, c’ mon,” Connie said quickly understanding what he meant. She pushed herself off the floor and opened the door, waiting for Steven who was close behind. They walked into the living room together seeing the gems and Greg in the kitchen, Pearl cleaning up the broken glass and the others trying to cook what smelled like breakfast. Steven and Connie made their way over to the couch and plopped down. Steven let out a defeated sigh and sunk down into the crease of the sofa. 

“I guess I can’t  _ really _ feel good for long anymore,” He chuckled lightly leaning his head on Connie’s shoulder. 

“What’s so wrong with that?” Connie questioned him,” No one feels good all the time, that would be kind of weird, but right now feeling good for even a second is something to be proud of.”

She had a point, Steven hated to admit. If he felt bad now but didn’t thirty minutes ago it was a drastic improvement from the days before where all he felt was pain, both physically and mentally. 

For a few minutes, they just sat there peacefully enjoying the hilarious scene in front of them. Amethyst was tossing leftover eggshells on the floor where Pearl was mopping causing her to grumble loudly. Garnet was helping Greg by grabbing the plates and utensils they would need for their meals. After more screams from Pearl and cackling from Amethyst the breakfast was ready and Greg headed over to the couch with three plates in his hands, placing one in front of both Steven and Connie.

“Now you don’t have to finish it, but I want you to at least try and eat some of it, buddy,” Greg said as he placed a fork beside Steven’s dish. 

The food looked pretty good, it was an omelet filled with bell peppers, onions, and cheese. Steven brought the plate to his lap and fiddled with his fork for a moment before finally cutting into the omelet. He began to eat slowly and listen to the light conversation between his dad and Connie. It was about some incident at the car wash, someone had tried to get their convertible washed without the roof attached? Something like that, he wasn’t focusing on the words as much and the people surrounding him. Connie smiling beside him, his dad across from him, and the gems listening form the outskirts of the kitchen. He had hurt all of them, but here they were anyway. They were trying to cheer him up and making sure he was healthy. He got lost in their faces as Greg described the way the leather seats were ruined after the owner made him wash it, swearing that he knew what he was saying. This felt familiar to him, not the feeling from before in the kitchen, but one from years ago. One where he was small and had a high voice, where he would listen to the gems for hours talking about a mission, or where he and Connie munched on marshmallows and all their animal byproducts near a warm fire. This felt like something he had always wanted, home. 


	4. Abyss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning* 
> 
> Depressive thoughts, self-harm, and possibly suicidal thoughts. If you are ever in crisis I have attached the suicide hotline, so you can talk to someone and work through how you feel at that moment, 1-800-273-8255. Don’t forget it is always okay to reach out for help, you are only human.

The crying never stopped, and the pain didn’t either. Whether it was something entirely mundane or the ever-present shadow of the diamonds, there were little things everywhere that would remind him of what happened. Steven knew the feelings would never go away, he knew that he was going to live with those memories for the rest of his life. Sometimes Steven wished it could all just go away, the pain, the memories, everything. He just wanted to vacate his mind and everything to fade into dust. There was going to be an uphill battle to reclaim his mental health and often he just didn’t have the willpower to win. 

The day after his corruption, Steven felt like he had fallen into an endless abyss. Every move he made caused waves of pain to sweep through his body and reminded him of the monster he became. The worry on the gem’s faces, when they would check on him, filled his gut with dread.  _ He had caused so much irreversible pain.  _ Steven couldn’t understand how they were around him, how they could look at him anymore. He was the reason everything went wrong in their lives, he was the reason Connie didn’t have a normal childhood. All these emotions would flood in at once, he would be trying to sleep when a rush of despair fell over him. It was causing him to lose sleep, the nightmares were fading but were quickly replaced with the abyss. He would lay there for a moment when a thought would come to him, he didn’t deserve to be here anymore. Steven felt like he deserved worse than what he got, he needed to pay for the pain he caused, but he didn’t fully understand how. He felt the same that night spent with Connie and the morning when he dropped the glass, wherever he went the abyss followed. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Steven sat at the table outside and sipped on his tea. He was fiddling with the string of the teabag and leaning back in the chair. Lately, he had been getting up absurdly early unable to go back to sleep so he thought maybe getting in the habit of watching the sunrise would help. Steven thought that maybe watching the colors change would remind him of how wonderful the world could be, but it didn’t seem to help much. He still thought about how much easier things would be for his loved ones if he was not there, he still thought about the pain he caused. Steven wasn’t going to give up yet though, it had only been a few days and if he wasn’t able to sleep it couldn’t hurt to keep trying. He was taking another sip of his tea when he heard the door open behind him. The noise startled him causing him to spit out the liquid in his mouth. He turned around to see Garnet who was chuckling lightly. She smiled at him before making her way over the table to sit with Steven. Steven felt a little uneasy by her presence. 

“Hey, Garnet what are you doing out so early?” Steven asked nervously, looking down at his mug. 

“I knew you’d be out here, so today I thought I’d join you,” Her tone was low, like usual, but sweet all the same.

“Today?” Steven asked, leaning his elbow on the table and resting his head in his hand, eyes still focused down.

“Yes, I’ve seen you coming out the last couple of mornings. I know you haven’t been sleeping very well, so I thought I’d at least keep you company if you have to be awake,” Garnet kept her gaze out at the ocean, admiring the sun starting to reflect against the waves. 

For the rest of the morning, the two of them sat basking in the sun as it rose over the horizon. It was silent, but not uncomfortable. This was not unusual for Steven and Garnet, often she would sit with him when he was younger when a mission had upset him. Her presence calmed him down, they didn’t need to speak, and today was no different. While they sat Steven’s focus started to wander from the horizon, it wandered to the abyss. That cold dark place made Steven feel like he was nothing. It made him contemplate things he rarely had before, especially himself. None of this would have happened if Rose, or Pink, or whoever she was didn’t give up her body for him. If he didn’t exist the people around him wouldn’t have had to suffer and continue to suffer because of him. 

_ No, that’s not what you’re supposed to think _ .  _ Normal people don’t think like that.  _ Steven thought to himself, breaking free of the abyss for a moment. Those thoughts worried him slightly but they weren’t anything he couldn’t handle, he had been through worse than a couple concerning feelings before. 

The sun started to shine brightly overhead, and the heat started too. Steven usually went inside by this point and refilled his mug with hot water and a fresh teabag before he headed back to his room, and Garnet sitting with him wasn’t going to change that. Steven carefully picked up his mug and stood up from his chair. 

“I’m gonna go back in now, but thanks for sitting with me,” He said smiling down at Garnet. 

After he refilled his mug Steven started to head back to his room. Steven saw Amethyst and Pearl sitting on the couch. They were bickering about something Bismuth had said the night before, Steven waved at them before he climbed the stairs. It was nice to hear them talk about someone other than him, especially from Pearl. She had spent so much of her time focusing on him or Rose or Pink that she never really focused on anyone else. He was glad that she had someone in her life that actually cared about her. The same went for Amethyst, Steven was happy to see that she felt like she could help others when almost his whole life it seemed like she felt the opposite. He was glad to see the two of them starting to open up and grow as gems. 

As he made it to the top of the stairs he saw lion laying at the end of his bed, snoring softly. He chuckled as to set his mug down on his bedside table, picking up his phone, and flopping onto his bed. He clicked the home button to look at his notifications, Connie had texted him. 

**_text me if you need anything i have to study some but should be free later_ **

He smiled as he typed his reply.

**_i will don’t worry_ **

He set his phone down beside him and just looked up at the ceiling. He often wondered why she still talked to him after everything he put her through. He didn’t know why she kissed him, even if he liked it, it hung at the back of his mind. It hung in his abyss, he wasn’t good enough for Connie. Steven thought that she deserved someone normal who didn’t have a history like his, a history of violence and failure. He shook his head, he had to stop thinking like that. He rolled over wiggling under the covers and grabbed the remote by his tea. He flipped through the channels for a moment he landed on a cooking show. Steven turned the sound to a low volume and grabbed his phone, sending Connie a quick text.

**_i’m watching that dumb cooking show where they can only make a meal out of the weird ingredients they’re given this time they have to make a dessert that has pickles in it_ **

They loved watching shows like this together, where they could make fun of how outlandish the idea was. Now Steven used them to hold his attention while he was alone. He curled up into his pillow and watched as the chefs were forced to add the savory pickles to their delicious looking desserts. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“Steven…”

The voice was far away, probably nothing important.

“Steeeeveeen…”

His eyes shot open to find Amethyst standing over him, shaking him gently. She was laughing a bit with Garnet and Pearl close behind her. The sun was shining through the window as they stood looking over his bed. He must have fallen asleep, the soft hum of chefs cooking reminding him of what he was doing. 

“We have to head out for a bit, are you gonna be okay without us here?” She asked in her usual raspy voice.

He nodded as his head fell back down onto his pillow, the drum of their steps lulling him back to sleep as they made their way downstairs. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

His eyes fluttered open this time as he awoke from his nap. It was dark out, he must have slept through the sunset. He pushed himself up, he rubbed his eyes and grabbed his phone. Connie had answered his text, but it was delivered three hours ago. He did sleep for a long time.

**_that’s so gross why does it always have to be gross_ **

He laughed weakly before typing his response.

**_honestly we’ll never know_ **

Steven stood up, taking a sit of his tea, it had gone cold making Steven’s face scrunch up instantly. He placed the mug back down before heading over to his dresser. Maybe now was a good time for a shower, with the gems gone he could take as much time as he wanted without them worrying. He shuffled around in the drawers picking out a new shirt, a clean pair of underwear, and some new shorts that his dad had brought over. He walked back to his bed and grabbed his phone opening up his messages. 

**_i’m done studying btw_ **

Steven smiled, he knew what she meant.

**_i’m gonna take a shower but you can come over gimme like 20 minutes_ **

Steven hit send and headed down the stairs, it was quiet but Steven liked that, he didn’t have to worry about upsetting anyone. He opened the bathroom door and set his clothes on the sink, picked out a playlist and headed over to the tub. He turned the nob for hot water and pulled the little nub on top of the faucet making the water rush out of the showerhead. Steven stuck his hand in to test the temperature finding it to be perfect. He got undressed and stepped in, closing the curtain behind him. He slowly leaned his head under the running water, his curls to fall in front of his eyes slowly. He pushed them back as he reached for his shampoo, squirting some into his hands and massaging it through his hair. He slipped his head back under the water to rinse it out, but some of the soapy water slid down his forehead and into his eye. Steven winced and brought his palm up to his eye, pushing down on it. 

“Dammit, you can’t even take a shower right can you, Universe,” he said as he rubbed his eye. 

As he took his hand away he noticed the color of it, pink. He blinked as the soap continued to sting, but he had something more important to focus on now. He leaned against the wall of the shower and sank down to sit in the tub, he started to get light-headed. As he continued to glow he tried to think of things to calm himself down.  _ Pancakes, soft pillows, Lios, Connie.  _ Nothing seemed to work as he sat under the running water, still pink. 

“Why can’t you just be normal for once. God, you’re such a failure,” Steven barked, slamming his fist down. 

_ Crack. _

Steven looked down at his fist, his knuckles were bright red and tingling, but the pink was gone. There were nicks and cuts across his knuckles, blood dripping down into the tub. He felt a searing pain from his first, his bones were broken. As he came to this realization his gaze drifted to the tub, there was a hole. Chunks of the tub were out of place and the concrete below was showing through. He started to feel hot and the edges of his vision started to get blurry. He wasn’t aware of what was happening, and he was not in control of his body anymore. Turning pink took a lot out of him normally, especially with the strength that came along with it. This was the first time it happened after his corruption, and it took every last ounce of his energy. His short transformation had wiped him out, in addition to the fact that he hadn’t eaten since the previous day. He lay limp in the bathtub as the melodic rhythm of the shower pounded in his head, the droplets of water continuously hit his body, and his hand was throbbing from the pain. There was so much happening, Steven’s senses were overloaded causing him to slip out of consciousness. Causing him to slip into the abyss. 


	5. Distractions

Connie sat at her desk staring at her laptop screen, after a long day of studying her eyes were starting to get tired. Today was her physics day meaning she dedicated an entire day to just physics, quizzes, readings, tests, you name it. She was on her final quiz of the day, on the final question,  _ finally _ , but with the timer ticking down she started to get nervous. Connie had studied for this, she had gone over all the formulas, but her brain was just too fried to process the problem on her screen. Connie knew that statistically, her chances of getting a bad grade were lower if she guessed instead of just leaving the question blank. Her cursor hovered over the third option for a moment before she clicked  **_C_ ** , right as the time ran out, she read somewhere that  **_C_ ** statistically has the highest probability of being correct. Connie watched the page nervously as she waited for her grade, the spinning circle on the screen taunting her. After a moment the graded quiz finally popped up revealing that, yes, her guess was right and she had gotten full credit for her work. She cheered quietly to herself proud of her accomplishment before grabbing her phone from beside her laptop. She opened up her messages and clicked on the string with Steven.

**_i’m done studying btw_ **

She clicked send and waited for a response. 

**_i’m gonna take a shower but you can come over gimme like 20 minutes_ **

She smiled, she was glad that Steven always knew what she meant even when she didn’t spell it out literally. She waltzed over to her dresser, her mood increased by Steven’s text, picking out some fresh clothes to wear to his house. Connie stopped for a moment in front of her dresser, was she spending the night? They hadn’t explicitly stated the fact, but nowadays she tended to. Connie thought it was better to be prepared just in case, so she grabbed another set of clothes, her overnight bag, and plopped onto her chair. She piled her clothes into the bottom of the backpack before grabbing her phone charger and placing it on top. Connie set the bag on the ground next to her feet and looked at the time, she still had some time to kill heading over to Steven’s. There was always studying to be done so she looked at her to-do list for the upcoming week. Luckily, it consisted fully of reading meaning her workload for the week was going to be light. The first reading on her list was chapter 7 of her history textbook. Connie set a timer for 15 minutes to wouldn’t lose track of time, popped the top off of her favorite purple highlighter, and cracked open her textbook. She knew she could only get a few pages in before she needed to leave, but every minute spent studying counted. 

_ Ring ring ring ring. Ring ring ring ring. _

After fumbling to turn off the alarm Connie set her highlighter in her textbook marking her place and stuffed it into her backpack. Connie zipped her bag and threw it over her shoulder before heading downstairs. She went to the kitchen and grabbed a lion licker from the freezer. This was one of the only ways to get lion’s attention and Connie wasn’t really in the mood to take the bus to Steven’s house. 

“Lion...Lion, C’ mere boy, look what I have for you,” Connie yelled out to the street, as she opened the door and stepped onto her front porch, waving the treat in the air.

After a few seconds, she heard a low grumble come from down the street. The pink cat came bounding at her and ripped the ice cream out of her hand before bowing before her. Connie chuckled as she reached for lion’s mane and hopped onto his back. A shimmering portal appeared before them as a lion let out a ferocious roar. 

Lion landed hard onto the sandy beach that sent a gust of wind through Connie’s hair. She jumped down and started towards the beach house as lion, the ice cream still in his mouth, laid down onto the beach and tore at the cheap plastic. Connie rapped a few times on the door, peering inside to see if anyone was around. She didn’t see any of the gems, but since Steven had invited her over she decided to let herself in. As she entered the threshold the sound of the shower met her ears. 

_ That’s odd. _

Connie didn’t think she was early, actually, it had been about 30 minutes since Steven had texted her, meaning she technically was late. She didn’t think much of it though, he must have just been taking extra time today. Knowing Steven it was probably a good idea to let him know she was there, so she strolled over to the bathroom.

\---------------------------------------------------

_ Bang Bang Bang. _

Steven jolted awake.

“Hey, Steven it’s me, Connie. I just thought I’d tell you that I’m here. I’m gonna head up to your room, so no rush,” The voice said, muffled by the door and the sounds of the running water. 

_ How long had he been out?  _

His heavy eyes opened, drops of water trailing off his lashes. He was sitting in the tub, his skin pruning under the hot water, and his hand throbbing. He looked down at, it was still torn up and definitely still broken. He tried to extend his fingers, the movement sending agony through his bones eventually causing him to give up. Steven used his other hand to push himself up, struggling to hold his weight. He reached for the faucet, letting the last few drops trickle onto his head as he slowly turned the nob. 

Steven was not sure what had just happened to him, but he knew he had lost control. For a split second, he turned into the raging power of Pink take over his body leaving his human form completely exhausted. One second of unruly power left him knocked out naked in a bathtub with a broken hand. At least he felt something, even if it was torture, at least he felt it. Steven knew that wasn’t something a healthy person should think but he couldn’t help it, he was tired of feeling empty. He was tired of being in his abyss and this pain made him aware, it kept him focused.

With shaky legs, he stepped out of the shower onto the bathmat. He reached for the towel hanging on the wall, dried his hair briefly, and wrapped it loosely around his hips. He shuffled over to the sink and grabbed his shirt and threw it on quickly. He used his good hand to wipe the condensation from the mirror above him and looked at his reflection. His skin was pale and tight and his eyes were sunken in, he had looked better.

_ That was an understatement _ .

He sighed as he let the towel fall from his body and finished getting dressed. The process of which was hard to do one-handed, but eventually, he was fully clothed. He picked up the towel and his dirty clothes off the floor and tossed them into the laundry hamper. Steven pressed pause on his music, shoved his phone in his pocket, and opened the door. He trudged to his room, stopping in the middle of the stairs. How was he going to get around his hand, Connie was sure to notice.

“You just have to lie, it’s gonna be fine, just say you fell asleep or something. You don’t have to tell her the whole story,” he mumbled to himself. 

He entered his room to find Connie on his bed, her textbook was open. She looked up at him and smiled.

“Hey, Connie,” Steven said plastering a fake smile on his face, as he made his way over to the bed and laid down across from her, resting his hand gently onto the bed.

“Sorry I got here while you were still in the shower, I swore I timed it right,” She said.

“Don’t worry about it, I just fell…” Steven trailed off, he was unsure how to continue, until he saw Connie’s face, “ asleep, I fell asleep in the shower. You know I haven’t been sleeping well,” He quickly corrected himself, chuckling, playing it cool. 

She gave him a skeptical smile but moved on anyway. She knew he wasn’t telling the whole truth, but it didn’t look like he wanted to talk about it and she didn’t want to upset him.

“Sooo… Do you wanna watch something?” Connie asked coyly.

“Actually,” Steven thought for a moment,” would you mind if we just talked?” Steven asked, looking down at his hand quickly covering the cuts on his knuckles with his blanket. He needed to distract himself from the pain and what better way to do that than bringing up unresolved issues right?

Connie nodded eagerly, she loved when they just talked, no distractions just each other. She grabbed her textbook and set it by the foot of the bed then flopped onto the pillows. Steven brought himself up to the head of the bed as well, making sure to not put weight on his hand and faced Connie. 

“Well, what did you want to talk about?” Connie said breaking the silence, causing Steven to blush.

“I don’t know I just feel like we haven’t really talked about what happened the night you stayed with me, or the morning after for that matter,” He said as he rolled over to look at the ceiling, “ I mean, I’m a huge mess, why me?” 

Connie stayed quiet for a while, Steven could tell she was thinking of what to say. He glanced over at to find her face buried in her hands with red cheeks peeking through her fingers. 

“Oh jeez, I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer,” Steven said as he smacked himself in the face, the good hand of course. He didn’t mean to embarrass her, he just wanted to talk like they used to. 

When they were younger they would talk about everything, it didn’t matter if one of them got embarrassed or shy, they knew that they were safe together, but ever since they had saved the galaxy things changed. There was a disconnect. They had slowly drifted apart, whether it was from Connie’s extra studying or Steven’s own issues, it didn’t matter. The fact remained that something was coming between them they hadn’t tried to fix it, until the corruption. The night when Connie stayed over was the first time they had talked in a while, and even then most of the night spent in silence. 

“No, Steven its okay, I’m just acting like a little kid, getting all embarrassed,” Connie explained, as she sat up giggling a little. 

Steven sat up keen to listen to what she had to say. He slowly crossed his legs and grabbed a pillow bringing it to his lap and gently placed his hand down on it so the cuts, and now forming bruises, could be covered.

“I don’t know, I just... There’s been this weird  _ feeling _ between us for a while now. Its been there since you finished dismantling the diamond authority, but ever since you proposed, it’s just been amplified,” Connie cadence was steady, her nerves seemed to have faded. 

“What feeling, I mean if I made you uncomfortable I get it. It was a mistake- “ Steven started before being cut off by Connie laughing.

“Don’t be silly. It’s, jeez this is so stupid,” her cheeks growing redder with each word, “ Y-You make me so nervous.”

Steven’s face twisted, he was confused. He didn’t make her uncomfortable, but he made her nervous? Connie’s eyes fell to the pillow between them, she reached her hands forward and placed it atop his. Her touch was light enough where he could manage the pain, but he still clenched his other fist.

“When we’re together, just the two of us, my stomach gets all knotted,” Connie was still staring down at their hands, “My chest feels warm and I forget everything else, it’s like everything but you.”

“It’s like the whole world becomes a blur,” He said, finishing Connie’s thought.

Steven gulped, looking into her eyes. The gentle touch of Connie’s hand sent shivers down his spine, whether it was from pain or something else, he didn’t know. The nerves, the knots, the heat, it was all something he felt. He felt it now, his stomach was all twisted up and warmth was creeping into his chest. 

“S-So, you feel the same?” Connie’s voice wavered, tension building inside her. 

Steven smiled, his eyes fixed on her, their thoughts were aligned, in this single moment of understanding.

“Of course I do silly, I mean you just mentioned what I did a few weeks ago?” Steven chuckled, “ I literally suggested dropping everything and being together.” 

Connie laughed with him, he was good at that, making her laugh. She missed  _ this _ , she missed  _ this _ Steven. He had been so closed off the last couple of weeks, she was glad he was opening up again, she was glad she was opening up again. When Spinel had come to Earth 2 years ago she had been too shy to tell Steven how she felt, all she could do was kiss him on the cheek. Moments like those felt different, they were quick and chaste, they held different weight. The experiences they shared over the past few days were new, they were packed full of intensity and nerves. Connie didn’t think the nerves would ever go away, not with Steven. 

Her thoughts were stopped by a gentle stroke of her cheek. Steven’s hand was soft but firm, his thumb tenderly caressing her skin. Connie closed her eyes to take in this feeling, his warmth, his care, it was everything she had wanted for years. 

“Can I kiss you?” Steven regretted it as the words left his mouth, pulling his hand away from her face, and thumping it on his forehead in shame “ Oh god, that was gross, I’m sorry,” 

Connie giggled as she grabbed the collar of Steven’s shirt, pulling him closer.

“Why don’t you stop apologizing and kiss me,” Connie retorted.

Steven chuckled as Connie pulled him towards her, both of them knew what they were doing, it wasn’t Connie’s or Steven’s actions alone, this time was a shared effort. This moment was a shared desire, the desire to be near each other, to be in each other’s space. Steven’s heart pounded faster and faster the longer they waited until he couldn’t take it anymore. He slid his hand up the side of Connie’s neck, firmly pulling her towards him, pressing their lips together. Connie gasped, clutching Steven’s shirt tighter, as their lips met. After a few moments, Steven pulled away and resting his forehead on Connie’s. His eyes still closed, living in the moment. Connie’s hand relaxed against Steven’s chest as they rested against each other. 

Connie giggled as she pulled her face away from Steven’s, biting her lip out of embarrassment. She knew they both felt the same yet she still felt childish. Connie couldn’t believe she was just kissing the boy she had had a crush on for years, the boy she saved the galaxy with. Steven’s pain-free hand brushed through his hair as he began to follow in her laughter. Moments like these were the ones that kept him going, the small things Connie did keep his mind focused on her instead of the pain. He needed that right now, he needed a distraction from how awful he truly felt. 


	6. Reaching

The sun had gone down hours ago, Steven’s bedroom sitting still in darkness. Subtle sounds were bouncing off the walls as the beach house sat quietly in the night. Connie’s breathing was circulating as she lay formless in the dark. Blankets brought up to her neck, face buried into her hands, beams of moonlight glazing her figure. 

In an instant, the bliss and peaceful nature of the room changed and Steven jolted awake. An array of pain had snatched him from his slumber, his freshly broken bones of course, but  the gashes on his back were the true culprit of his sudden interrupted sleep. It felt like someone had set his back ablaze, like a barrage of flames were festering on his back. Sweaty hands grasped at the nape of his neck, pulling his now clinging sleep shirt over his head. His now bare skin found freedom in the cold air, soothing his anguish. 

The moon was the only thing allowing Steven to see as he sat up, sweat dripping from his temples. He was facing the window with his elbows resting on his knees, hands hung between them. He was clutching his t-shirt in his good hand and let the other fall limp between his thighs. His head drooped low, his body falling victim to fatigue. Steven examined his hand, blue and purple marks forming haphazardly around his knuckles, the fractures compromising his hand’s integrity. 

After his hospital visit with Dr. Maheswaran, he had learned he had endured dozens of broken bones over the years, but that didn’t mean it had to snap in two. She explained to him that fractures, a form of a broken bone, didn’t always need a cast or drastic measure to be taken, and with the right care, they could mend on their own, especially with Steven’s powers. He hoped that was true now, he did not want to go through telling the gems or his dad what he did. If it had truly been an accident he wouldn’t be in this situation, he would’ve told Connie as soon as she came over, but it wasn’t.  _ He _ lost control, yes, but  _ Pink _ hadn’t. Steven had changed shade, his diamond aura had taken over and made a decision to feel that pain.  _ Pink _ wanted to hurt himself, he wanted to feel something, but that sect of himself didn’t act without prompting. If his Pink powers came out there was a reason, if he acted out in his diamond form then it was directly linked to an aspect of his normal Steven self. He knew he wanted to feel that pain, the pulsing, the cuts, and the bruises, but admitting that meant admitting that he hadn’t gotten any better. He didn’t want anyone to think he hadn’t changed, that he regressed, but it was true. Yes, maybe he wasn’t trying to hurt Jasper or White Diamond, but he was trying to hurt himself, the source of all his problems, the root of his trauma.

_ He was the problem, he was Rose, he was Pink, he was the reason everything in his life was so messed up. If he could just get rid of… _

Steven shook his head, trying to make the thoughts go away. His eyes shifted up, out the window to the sparkling ocean. It looked beautiful under the moonlight, subtle waves shining as they crashed onto the shoreline. Steven lifted himself off the bed, let his shirt slip out of his hand, and stepped towards the door. He placed a hand on the cold glass.

His body was calm down, the blistering pain had begun to fade, and exhaustion started to set in again. He gently, to not make any noise, pulled the door letting the night breeze into the room. Steven stuck his hand between the gap, his fingers extended towards the horizon,  _ reaching _ . Cool air flowing over his cuts, flowing over his bruises, the sensation sent shivers through his whole body. Slowly, he let his arm fall back through the crack and flop against his side. He turned and tiptoed to the bed, leaving the door slightly ajar. Steven lifted the covers and slid back into place next to Connie. He tried his best not to wake her up, but his weight settling in the bed was just enough to beckon her awake.

“W-What’s up…” Connie sleepily mumbled, eyes still closed as she rolled over, her body facing Steven.

“Oh, nothing, just cracked the door,” Steven whispered back, trying to reassure her, “ I needed some fresh air.”

Connie murmured an  _ mhm _ not fully listening to his response, she was half asleep after all. The soft sounds of breath filled the room again as Steven tried to get comfortable. After a moment Connie sleepily tugged on Steven’s arm, her touch sweet and light. 

“C’ mere… You’re too far away,” She was drifting further away with every word, her dreamscape calling.

He chuckled softly. She was so cute when she was sleepy, and needy too. That was new. Steven maneuvered himself closer to his best friend laying beside him, letting her head fit under his chin. Connie let out a soft hum as she draped her arm across his waist, pulling him closer. She was too tired to notice his lack of shirt as her hand settled into the small of his back. Steven’s hand fell to her cheek, resting gently as she nuzzled into him. He signed, his back still throbbing, but he could manage it, for now. He could manage everything as long as he stayed focused, his hand his thoughts,  _ as long as he focused _ . The sounds of waves lulled him back to sleep as his mind wandered from reality, back to his thoughts. 

_ If he could just get rid of… _

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Steven woke first. Light rock music was coming through the window left cracked from the night before. It was an odd sound to hear early in the morning, but he was used to it, he had heard for years. He had woken up to old rock for years when his dad would come to visit or take his out for the day. The rickety sounds of the old van echoing against the temple getting him excited for a day of fun with his old man, but that feeling was not sparked this morning. The clunk of the van solidified his suspicions that Greg was outside, presumably to visit for the day. 

There had been a divide between the two fo them since they had visited his father’s childhood home when Steven crashed the van. The realization that Steven could’ve had a somewhat normal childhood had come as a shock. He could’ve had structure, the thing he needed the most over the years since Spinel’s visit to Earth. Steven felt like his father deprived him of his chance at being normal, of being human when he decided not to have the DeMayo’s a part of his life. He knew that wasn’t all his dad’s fault, because no matter what, he would always be half gem. He would always be connected to that part of himself, but the idea he could have had a different life hung heavy on his mind. He loved his dad, he would always love him, but right now things were complicated. 

Steven didn’t want to get up yet. He was at peace, fresh from sleep and brain not fully awake yet, it was the time where he felt the most like himself these days. Without his brain working at full capacity, he couldn’t overthink or make any rash decisions. He was able to just exist peacefully for a few brief moments before it all came rushing back. Whether he was watching the sunrise because he couldn’t sleep or if Connie was glued to his hip, he liked his time in the morning. This was one of those peaceful mornings and Connie was still sound asleep, her head on his chest. Calming sounds of the ocean crept in through the door, the fresh air swirling around him. This was not the moment when he wanted to discuss his disappointment in his upbringing, or try to conceal his hand from yet another person. It was too early for that, he could worry about it later. Steven let out a yawn and reached for his phone, trying carefully not to wake up Connie. 

_ 10:23 _

It wasn’t as early as Steven thought.

“Must’ve really worn out my body yesterday,” Steven mumbled to himself as he unlocked his phone and scrolled mindlessly through social media. Footsteps coming up the stairs perked Steven’s attention, the teen now very aware that his morning was not going to stay serene for long. 

_ Must be morning check-in, one of the gems.  _

Steven peered over the top of his smartphone to see Greg leaning against the wall. 

_ Not one of the gems. _

Greg was smiling at him, but Steven knew there was an awkward tension in the room. He set his phone on his chest and weakly smiled back. The concept of not having a door had always bothered him, it left so much room for embarrassing moments that could have been avoided, but now that Connie was staying over that feeling was amplified. He didn’t like the idea of his dad walking in on Connie sleeping in  _ his _ bed while he was shirtless. It didn’t leave the purest image even if it was harmless, and he didn’t think his dad liked that image either. 

Greg quietly cleared his throat, “Just thought I’d let you know I’m here Schtu ball,” he spoke in a low whisper, ” You don’t have to right now, but I’d like to talk today, just the two of us.”

He didn’t want to overstay his welcome, so after Steven nodded, Greg headed back downstairs. Steven sighed as Greg made his way down the stairs, out of earshot. He laid his head back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. These things were not easy, he knew that, but still, he didn’t like them, confronting his issues, it was very not Steven. 

“Was that your dad?” Connie grumbled into Steven’s chest.

“Yea, he came over to talk today,” Steven said, gently brushing the hair out of Connie’s eyes. 

“Does that mean you have to get up?” Connie said disappointedly as she nuzzled her face deeper into him. 

Steven let out a chuckle.

_ Connie, openly showing affection? What a concept. _

She rarely let her guard down, with anyone, but now she was so open with Steven. This level of closeness had never really been on the table until recently, but over the years she had become more forward with affection.

“He said it doesn’t have to be now,” Steven stroked her cheek, “don’t worry, I’ll stay here a little longer.” 

He could feel Connie smile against his skin, causing his heart to stutter, he wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to this. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to, the butterflies in his stomach every time they were together was a sensation he never wanted to fade. It wasn’t just the fact that he was laying in bed with Connie, no, it was that someone thought he was worthy of tenderness like this. His entire childhood may have been smothered with affection from the gems and his dad, but until recently he wasn’t sure of its origin. He often thought that the gems only loved him because he used to be Rose, or that the gems were secretly hoping one day she’d come back. He knew that Rose and Pink were not as wonderful as he thought, he knew they had their faults. The lies, the anger, all these things made Rose and Pink imperfect, but he wasn’t any better than them. Steven wanted to make up for their mistakes, he didn’t want to cause any more damage like them, but it was too late, he already had. Steven had already messed up. 

“What are you thinking about silly,” Connie peered up at Steven

“Oh, sorry,” He paused. 

_ No use in hiding it. _

“Just Rose and Pink...” He trailed off.

“I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it,” Connie’s voice was still raspy from waking up as she drummed her finger against his chest. 

Steven brushed his fingers through her hair as he tried to find the words. It was hard to describe to someone else, sure he could think about it all day, but forming actual sentences about the subject was difficult. 

“I just keep thinking of all their wrongs, “ Steven’s voice gained momentum, “ the war, the lies, and now I’m just as bad as them. I’m just continuing the family tradition aren’t I?”

“You know you’re nothing like them, right?” Connie said giggling.

Steven sat up, why would Connie laugh at him. This was something so important for him, this was his whole life, feeling like he was wrong, and she was laughing? He scooted back, pushing her hand off of his chest. 

“W-What, is this some kind of joke?” He said, hurt by her laughter.

“Oh, shoot, I’m not…” Connie fidgeted with her hands as she tried to fix her mistake,” I’m not laughing at you, it’s just silly to me that you would think that.”

Connie laid a hand on Steven’s thigh, focus down. Her touch was warm, full of concern, full of care. She hadn’t meant to hurt him, she  _ really _ hadn’t, it was just absurd. Of course, he wasn’t like Rose or Pink. 

“Rose and Pink, they hurt people, lots of people. They risked thousands, if not millions, of human and gem lives for their silly little endeavors,” Her eyes lifted to look at Steven.

“What about Jasper? What about you, the gems, and dad? I really messed up, I just kept hurting everyone, just like them,” He said hoarsely. 

“Steven, you are not the same as them. After Jasper what did you do?” Connie asked.

There was a pause., he didn’t answer.

“You healed her, you immediately came home and you brought her back.” She said matter of factly. 

Steven didn’t say anything.

“Yes, you made mistake and I’m not gonna lie to you, but you tried to fix them. Rose and Pink didn’t do that, they let everyone else clean up their messes,” Connie giggled once again,” Remember, you tried to fix everything yourself like some hero.” 

A smile crept onto Steven’s face. Connie wasn’t wrong, he hurt people, yes, but he had always tried to fix it. He wanted to make sure everyone else was okay, so much so that it led to his corruption. He had tried so hard to help everyone that he left himself neglected. Unlike Rose and Pink, the main victim of Steven’s mistakes was himself. 

Steven buried his face in the crook of Connie’s neck letting his arms fall into her lap. He quietly mumbled thank you against her warm skin. 

“Hey wait,” Connie pulled away from the embrace,” When did you lose your shirt?”

Almost comedically on cue, a rose tint flushed Steven’s face, his eyes dropping to his bare chest. 

“I, uh-” Steven stuttered. 

“C’ mon goofy let’s get you downstairs, you’ve got a big talk today,” Connie said teasingly.

She pulled on his arm as she stood up and grabbed her overnight bag. Steven flopped back onto the bed his hand draped over his chest. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, this was going to be a long emotional wreck of a day. 


	7. Growing up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Greg finally have a discussion about growing up and what could have been better.

The soft impact something hitting Steven in the face pulled his focus. The supple fabric made a quiet thud as it whacked him. Laughter in the room indicated that Connie had thrown it at him, a shirt. Steven picked up the shirt from atop his face, it was the one he had worn to bed the night before. The one covered in dried sweat, not very appealing to wear again. 

Steven was confused, “W-What?” 

Connie rustled through her backpack, “I said, you need to get dressed, but you weren’t exactly listening so...shirt.”

With a grunt, he tossed the shirt to the floor and stood up. Steven shuffled passed Connie with a smile as he came to his dresser. He opened one of the drawers, looking for a clean shirt to wear. He pushed past his usual array t-shirts and found one of his dad’s old sweatshirts. The long sleeves would work well to covers the darkening bruises on his knuckles, hiding his secret for a little while longer. He pulled the folded garment out and let it unravel in his hands. Swiftly he tossed it over his head, sticking his arms through the holes, letting it slide onto his body. The ragged cuffs fell just below his fingertips, filled with holes. He down to another drawer pulling out a clean pair of jeans before turning around to face Connie. She was sitting on his bed with her open backpack in her hands, pulling out the clothes she had packed the day prior. She set them on the bed beside her as she zipped the bag and set it back on the ground. 

Steven cleared his throat, “Hey, Connie?, she looked up at him with raised eyebrows, “Would you mind turning around while I...” He said motioning to the clothes in his hand. 

“Oh, yeah of course, but you gotta do the same,” She said waving her clothes at him. 

Quickly each teen turned around and slipped out of their dirty garments, rushing to put the clean ones on out of embarrassment. The feeling wasn’t unfamiliar to them, they had been changing in the same room for years, they had been best friends for the good part of 6 years, but now things were changing. The ever-evolving relationship between them was unique and the ground wasn’t sturdy yet. Simple things like changing in the same room could mean something completely different now, so, embarrassment ensued. Steven buttoned his jeans and waited for Connie to tell him it was all clear. A light tap on his shoulder let him know that she was decent and the room could go back to normal. He turned to see her folding her dirty clothes and putting them back in her backpack. He picked his dirty short off the floor and tossed them in the laundry hamper.

“Are you gonna stay for breakfast?” He asked glancing over his shoulder. 

“I don’t think so, my parents you know?” She said holding up her phone, multiple notifications from her mother graced the screen,” I guess it works out well though since you have a lot of talking to do today.” 

Steven sighed, Connie was right. He wished she could stay, but realistically he needed time to talk to his dad, and having she around would distract him from that. 

“Just be honest, okay? It’ll be okay as long as both of you say what you need to,” Connie said as they walked towards the stairs. 

“I know, I just don’t want to disappoint him again,” Steven said, scratching the back of his neck.

“You won’t, Steven. He loves you, no matter what,” Connie reassured him taking his hand in hers, luckily not his injured one. 

They made their way down the stairs and entered the main living space of the house. The sounds of Amethyst and Greg making breakfast filled the air, spatulas hitting pan and the sizzle of food hitting the hot surface. Steven followed Connie to the door, walking her out. They stood on the porch calling out for lion as the wind rustled their hair. Eventually, the beast bounded up the steps to meet them, giving the teens kisses. Steven smiled, the pink cat always found a way to brighten his day, his purrs of affection giving him fragments of joy. 

“Text me when you get home, okay?” Steven said looking down at their still intertwined fingers. 

“ Of course,” Connie giggled, “ You text me about how today goes.”

Steven nodded, looking up at her. Their eyes met briefly before she pulled him in for a kiss,  _ definitely not getting used to this _ . It was quick and chaste, but still filled Steven’s chest with warmth. Their lips parted after a moment and Connie hopped on lion’s back waving before the shimmering portal appeared before them. Steven smiled back as the two disappeared into the portal, a strong gust of wind pushing him back as it closed. Now that Connie had gone home it meant he had to be ready for the day ahead. The peace and tranquility of the morning were gone as he headed back towards the front door. With a deep breath in Steven opened it and stepped inside. His dad was at the stove cooking french toast and Amethyst was sitting on the counter next to him pleading with him to make her’s special.

“C’mon Greg, just a little. It makes it taste so much better.” Amethyst whined.

Greg responded. “I’m not gonna do that Amethyst. You can put whatever you want on it after I’m done,” It was obvious this was an argument that had been going on all morning.

Across from them, sitting at the table, were Pearl and Garnet. They were conversing about, Steven. He didn’t even have to guess, he could tell by the look on Pearl’s face. 

“Well, she’s spent the night here the majority of the past week.” He heard Pearl mumble to Garnet.

“Pearl, give Steven time. He has a lot on his plate right now, and he doesn’t need us interfering with his relationships, especially with Connie,” Garnet calmly responded. 

_ Of course. _

Steven blushed as he made his over to the table to sit with them.

“Morning, guys,” He said as he sat down in the chair next to Garnet.

The four had been so involved in their own activities that they hadn’t noticed he had come downstairs, let alone walked Connie out. 

“Oh, Steven,” Pearl’s said startled,” We were just talking about...” Her voice faded quickly as she looked to Garnet for help.

“We were talking about...you, our favorite little cutie pie,” Garnet blurted out as she pinched Steven’s cheek.

It may not have been a lie, but it still was rather unconvincing. 

“C’mon guys, it’s okay,” Steven said seeing through their facade,” I know things aren’t exactly ideal right now, but I don’t want that to change just for me. You can talk about whatever you want.” 

The room fell quiet, everyone had shifted focus to Steven. Greg turned the stove off and walked towards Steven. He pulled the chair at the end of the table out and sat, resting a hand on Steven’s shoulder. 

“No, Steven. We do need to change,” He explained, “ We are part of the problem, we didn’t help you when you needed it and that led to all this pain.”

Steven sat in silence, a little shocked.

“That’s why I wanted to talk today, I want to know how I can change to better support you.” He motioned to the surrounding gems,” We just want you to be happy, son.” 

“Yeah dude, we want to fix things because we love you,’ Amethyst agreed, still sitting in the kitchen. 

Garnet and Pearl nodded along as she spoke. 

Steven didn’t speak, still too fresh from corruption to accept the concern. He knew what they were saying was sincere, but he still didn’t feel as though he deserved it. 

Garnet ruffled Steven’s curls, “You don’t have to believe us right now, but...” Garnet said motioning towards the other gems,” Today I think you have a pretty important conversation.” 

“Yes, we must get going, lots to be done, little homeschool can’t run itself after all,” Pearl chirped, understanding Garnet’s hint.

Garnet stood up, giving Steven a wink before heading out the door.

“That’s my cue,” Amethyst said, she snagged a couple of pieces of french toast as she followed Pearl out the door, “ See you later Steven.”

The house fell silent, an awkward tension fell over the room as the two Universe’s were left alone. Greg headed back to the kitchen to get the rest of the breakfast ready. He grabbed the french toast that was stacked on a plate, the syrup and whipped cream, and headed back to the table. He set the essentials in the middle of the table and began to head back for the utensils.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it,” Steven said, motioning for Greg to sit down.

Steven grabbed two plates from the cupboard, silverware from the drawer, and shuffled back to the table. He handed his dad the corresponding utensils and sat in his chair from him. For a few minutes, the two of them sat, eating in silence, neither knew when to start talking or where to start the conversation. Steven’s racing thoughts drowned out the sound of their chewing and forks hitting ceramic plates.

“Dad…” Steven’s voice was quiet.

“Yeah, Schtu Ball?” 

“Are you ashamed of me?” Steven shifting his focus up to meet his dad’s.

Greg was taken aback, frozen with a forkful of french toast dripping syrup halfway to his mouth. He slowly lowered the fork and set it on the plate. He took a deep breath before he started to speak.

Greg was heartbroken, “Steven I could never be ashamed of you, you’re my son.” 

Steven could feel frustration begin to build, “Then why did you never tell our family about me?” 

“It wasn’t that easy, I haven’t talked to my parents in years. I wrote to them but …”

Steven suddenly remembered the letters he found in the drawer at his grandparents’ house. They were all unopened, addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Demayo. 

Steven immediately understood, “They never wrote back, did they?” 

“It was hard kiddo. I left home as soon as could, but they didn’t understand. They didn’t approve of the life I wanted to live,” Greg clarified, “ Once I started seeing your mother I stopped trying, I knew they would never accept our relationship so I thought it was better to keep it to myself, until-”

“Until me...” 

“I thought I would try again, so I wrote to them explaining how I had a son, this beautiful baby boy,” Greg’s eyes sparkled for a moment remembering his newborn child before his tone became somber, “I told them that your mother had passed away when you were born, but I never heard anything back.” 

“Was that the last time you tried to talk to them?”

“If they couldn’t be there for me when I told them about you or that Rose died then why try at all, you know. They obviously didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.” 

“What about Uncle Andy or your other cousins?” Steven asked.

“It was a different time kiddo. We didn’t have phones or email, it was hard to connect with each other. By the time those were available they weren’t my main priority, you were.”

Steven smiled, it was nice to finally discuss this. He had wondered for years about his human family after Uncle Andy showed up to the barn.

Greg sighed, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn’t want you to worry about that part of my life, but I know now it wasn’t fair of me to hide it either.” 

The two finished their food in silence, the conversation lulled. When Steven took the last bite of his french toast and sat, waiting for the conversation to pick back up. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear, but he wasn’t finished talking.

“Son, I wanted to apologize. I guess since you were half gem I thought things would be different, I thought you wouldn’t need me as much as a kid”

“I’m still half-human, I needed everything you had.” 

“I know, kiddo. It’s just the gems-”

Steven shot back, “Didn’t Rose want me to be human? That was the whole point of those stupid tapes, so why did you leave it up to the gems?” 

“Steven it wasn’t that simple, I didn’t know anything about your gem. I didn’t know how you were going to grow up, I didn’t want to make any big mistakes.”

Steven scoffed, “Well, it’s not like they didn’t do exactly that, right?” 

He looked down at his hands, they were trembling, fingers twisting and interlocking anxiously. The contact was painful but nothing he couldn’t handle, especially to stay inconspicuous. 

“I’m sorry dad, I didn’t mean to get angry.”

“It’s okay, you have every right to be mad. In my hopes to not make mistakes I made the biggest one of all, I neglected you.”

Greg paused, taking a moment to collect his thoughts.

He sighed, “I thought what you needed the gems could offer, but I see now I was wrong. You needed so much more humanity in your life.”

“I just wish I had at least a fraction of what your childhood was.” 

Greg nodded, regretfully, “I understand, but you know I was thinking, there are ways we can help you now though,” He paused, “I talked to Connie’s parents about this and they agreed, maybe we should look at getting you into therapy ”

Steven went quiet, they had briefly mentioned therapy in the first days after his transformation, but had not gone back to the subject. Greg stood up, grabbing the empty dishes off the table.

“Therapy is a scary thing to think about, I know, but it could be really beneficial in the healing process. You don’t have to make a decision now, but I want you to think about it.”

Greg walked to the kitchen and set the dirty dishes in the sink, leaving Steven at the kitchen table to process what had been suggested. Steven grabbed the syrup and whipped cream and headed into the kitchen to put them away. As he finished placing the condiments in the fridge he leaned on the counter near the sink, fiddling with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He pried it away from his hand to see how it was healing to find deep dark black and purple bruises. They were darker than the night before, but the pain was starting to fade. He wasn’t sure if his powers had started to kick back in or he had become accustomed to the pain. Quickly, he pushed the sleeve back down to conceal the bruises from his father as he turned to him. 

Steven cleared his throat, “When did you talk with the Maheswarans?” 

“It was a couple of days ago, I asked their opinion first, and they thought it was the best next step. They gave me some recommendations, but we can look at our own if you would be more comfortable with that.”

“Recommendations?”

“I think one of them was a colleague of Mrs. Maheswaran and the other was Connie’s previous therapist, so they are trustworthy if you were worried about that.”

_ Connie’s previous therapist? She hadn’t mentioned therapy before. _

Greg set a few dishes in the drying rack and turned to his son, “Again, you don’t have to make a decision today, I just know that you need more help than I am qualified to give.”

“Yeah, I-I’ll think about it,” Steven said shakily.

“That’s all I needed to hear,” Greg smiled.

Steven nodded with a small smile as his dad turned back to the dished left in the sink. 

“I thought maybe we could spend some more time together, go park the van somewhere nice and get you outside.”

Steven’s shifted his eyes down to his feet, “As long as we don’t have to see anyone else…” 

“Of course, can you be ready in five?”

Steven nodded and turned, wood creaking under his feet as he walked towards the stairs. He took the steps slowly before his bare feet landed back in his room. He grabbed his flip flops from the corner of the room and his phone from his bedside table before heading back downstairs. He sat on the last step and slid on his classic red sandals and unlocked his phone. He clicked his messaging app and pulled up his text string with Connie.

**_just got home hope everything goes well with your dad_ **

He smiled.

**_gonna get some fresh can we talk later though?_ **

He stuffed his phone in his pocket and stood up as his dad met him by the steps.

“Ready Schtu Ball?”

With a thumbs up the two of them were out the door, heading towards the van. Steven stayed a short distance behind his dad as he took in his surroundings. He was glad Greg suggested this, he hadn’t been farther than the front porch in a while. They hopped in the old vehicle and with the crank of the key a roar erupted followed shortly by quiet rock music. Steven rolled his window down as they started to drive away, the smell of nature overwhelming his senses. The ocean breeze tousling his hair as they passed familiar streets. 

“So, where do you wanna go son?”

Steven thought of somewhere that felt safe. A place that felt far enough away from his thoughts. 

“Do you remember where you took Ruby a couple of years ago?”

“Brooding hill it is.” 


	8. Discovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I wanted to pop in here and say two things. First, I am sorry for the late upload. I have been finishing up my course work and just got a little burnt out. It may only be a day, but I still wanted to apologize, I didn't have the brainpower to edit yesterday. Second, I have changed the title of this work. I know it's silly, but the old title bugged me and I prefer this one.

Golden hues filled the sky, birds chirped as the world began to shift as night fell. Light music came from the van, soothing chords echoing through the air. The Universe pair had driven up to Brooding Hill around noon and had been talking ever since. The discussion ranged in topic and emotion. Steven had restarted the conversation with something light-hearted, asking how Sadie and Shep were on tour, but as the day trudged on they came back around to the meat of the conversation. 

Greg cleared his throat, “I know I asked earlier, but I wanted to talk about the possibility of therapy again.”

Steven’s fingers interlaced with the long blades beneath him, crumpling them in his fist. The smell of grass filled his senses as he melted into the ground. Nature seeping into his subconscious and calming his nerves. His head fell to the side, eyes set on his hand. He hadn’t realized what he was doing until the pain hit him, his bruised fingers curling around the grass.

“Son?”

Steven shot his head around, ” Sorry, what did you say?” 

“I just wanted to talk about the idea of therapy again, Schtu Ball.” 

Steven sat up and crossed his legs, stuffing his hand into his lap. He winced, the unexpected actions reigniting the searing pain from his fractured bones. Steven paused, giving himself a moment to collect himself before he spoke. 

“Well, I don’t know that much about it,” he stuttered, “O-Obviously I know what therapy is. I just don’t know what the process would be like.”

“It’s different for everyone kiddo, but if you want we can talk to Dr. Maheswaran about it. I know she isn’t a therapist, but she knows a heck of a lot more about it than we do.”

“Yeah, that’s okay. I was going to talk to Connie tonight, so I guess we could go over there tonight?” 

“Let me call them to make sure that it’s alright. Give me a second Steven.”

Greg smiled as he walked to the van and pulled his phone out of the cupholder. He walked down the hill, just out of earshot, and rang the Maheswaran home. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

The drive was familiar, over the years they had taken it numerous times, but the trips had lulled in the past year. Steven had been so focused on little homeworld and then trying not to combust that it wasn’t his first thought, to visit Connie. On the long stretch of highway, his nerves started to pick up, fingers trembling. Steven wondered why he had agreed to this, why he thought it was okay to bother the Maheswaran family. He wasn’t their son, he was just their daughter’s friend, he didn’t deserve special treatment. His eyes fell to his lap, to the unlocked phone laying atop his thigh.

**_you and your dad are coming over?_ **

**_is everything okay?_ **

He wanted to say no, he wanted to come up with an excuse to get Greg to drive back home, but it was too late. They were turning down the Maheswaran’s street and would soon pull up to their home. 

**_yeah need to talk to your mom almost there_ **

Greg shifted the gear into the parked position, the van settling outside of Connie’s house. He pulled the key out and faced Steven.

“You okay bud? You seem a little quiet.”

Steven shifted uncomfortably in his seat, ”Nervous, I’m just nervous.”

“You don’t need to worry, we are just going to ask Dr. Maheswaran for some advice.”

The pair exited the car, Steven taking more time than his dad, and walked towards the front door. Greg knocked on the door then stood back waiting for an answer. Steven stayed a couple of feet behind his father, hiding in his shadow. 

“I’ll get it!” a faint voice called out.

A few moments later Connie cracked open the door.

”Oh, hey,” She smiled.

She waved them in as she opened the door wider.

“Come in, come in. My mom is in the kitchen right now, but she’ll be out in a second. ”

Connie ushered to two men in and Greg making his way towards the kitchen. She stopped Steven as he came inside, gently grabbing his arm and pulling him towards her.

“Are you okay? You still haven’t told me why you guys came over here,” Connie asked.

“It’s why I texted you this morning. Do you remember when I said I wanted to talk?”

Connie nodded with an  _ mhm. _ She closed the door and leaned on in as Steven stepped beside her. The two teens had their backs against the door, Steven leaned his head back and Connie curled hers around to look at him. 

“Well, this morning my dad said he talked to your mom about the possibility of therapy….”

Connie could see the shame in his eyes, shoulders dropped as he uttered the word.  _ Therapy _ . She rolled to her side and took Steven’s hand in hers, eyes fixed on his trembling fingers. Shadows mostly covered the bruises, the purple outlines remained to incite confusion in Connie, but she brushed it aside. She needed to focus on what Steven was saying right now he was vulnerable, and she didn’t want to neglect him. 

Steven continued, “Well, um, he said one of the recommendations was your old therapist,” he took a moment to clear his throat, “Anyway, we came to talk to your mom about the idea, get more information.”

Connie clasped Steven’s hand and looked up to him, “I’m sorry, I never told you about that.”

“Don’t worry about it, I mean I barely feel comfortable with this possibility up in the air, so you’re already doing better than me.”

Connie quickly pulled Steven into an embrace, light tears rolling down her cheeks, “That’s okay, I’m proud of you. I know it isn’t easy,” her voice cracking, ”It’s awkward, it’s scary, but it’s a big step.”

“T-Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me,” he pulled back, “You have no idea how much you mean to me...”

Connie beamed up at him, cheeks wet with tears. She reached up and wiped his cheeks which were suffering the same fate. He cupped his hand around hers a gently placed a kiss to her palm. Blush flowing over Connie’s cheeks, as the soft lips met her skin. 

She giggled, “Don’t get all romantic on me, we can’t have you distracted from the real reason you’re here.” 

Connie’s eyes shifted behind Steven and he turned to see Dr. Maheswaran and his father entering the living room. The adults had mugs in their hands and were talking as they made their way to the couch. Quickly, the teens’ arms dropped and they separated. Connie’s eyes met her mother’s and Steven’s eyes fell to the floor, the room went silent. 

“I made tea,” Dr. Maheswaran’s voice cleared the air,” This might take some time, so I thought I’d be nice.”

Connie swiftly walked over to her mother to help, but Steven stayed by the front door. He was immobile, his feet glued to the ground. 

“W-We don’t have to… I mean I don’t want to keep you up,” his voice riddled with anxiety, “You have work in the morning and Connie probably has to study. I don’t want to be a burden.”

Dr. Maheswaran placed the mugs on the coffee table, “Don’t be silly Steven, that is exactly why we need to talk about this.”

“C ‘mon son it’s alright to need help, some things are too much for us to handle on our own.”

Slowly Steven made his way towards the couch, eyes glued to the floor. He pulled his sleeve down, tugging on it as he continued to walk. The sounds of his footsteps echoed in his head. 

_ Thud. Thud.  _ **_Thud_ ** . 

As he got closer Greg draped his arm around Steven’s, his grip tight. Father and son sat next to each other on the couch, father’s arm was still firm around his son’s shoulder. Greg could feel his son trembling under his touch, he could see the anxiety plastered across his face.

Paternal eyes looked at the young adult, “It’ll be alright Steven, we aren’t here to judge you, we just want to help.” 

Dr. Maheswaran nodded before she turned to Connie and placed a hand on her daughter’s shoulder.

“Sweetie, I know you care a lot about Steven, but I think this conversation should just be between us and him,” She shifted her focus to Steven, “Maybe at another time the two of you could talk about Connie’s experience.”

“I understand mom, don’t worry,” Connie said with a smile, “I’ll be here whenever you are ready to talk about it, Steven.”

Connie hugged her mother before leaving the living room. As she was about to take the stairs up to her room she turned over her shoulder to Steven. Her eyes meeting his and with a smile, she turned back around and her way upstairs. 

Silence fell across the room all eyes on Steven, but his eyes were still on the floor. His foot tapped vigorously against the floor as he built up the courage to speak.

“So, my Dad said the two of you talked about therapy.” He looked up at Dr. Maheswaran, “Do you really think I need that?”

“Steven, I think almost everybody should look into therapy. For you specifically though, I definitely think you do,” She sighed, “From what Connie has told me and from what I have seen first hand, there is no reason you should be facing this alone. I’m not entirely sure how you’ve been handling it all these years.”

“I-I don’t know what to do or think about any of this?”

Greg chimed in, “Well, I think that is the reason to talk about this. A therapist can help you work through that feeling.”

“Exactly,” Dr. Maheswaran agreed, “A therapist can help you work through the emotions that caused your...your corruption.”

Steven clenched his fist hands into fists, “We know what did it though,” His voice grew in power, “I overworked myself and pushed things down, I don’t one more person to tell me that,” 

He looked at his father with pleading eyes, “I’ve been handling this fine, things still hurt, but I’m getting better.”

“Steven…” Greg sighed, “That morning, in the kitchen, do you really think that’s the right way to be handling this?”

Flashes of glass and blood swarmed Steven’s head.

“Connie told me it was like you thought you had shattered someone like you were reliving what happened to Jasper.”

No, no it’s just-”

“She also mentioned your nightmares, you’re having trouble sleeping again?”

“Guys, c’ mon that’s normal. It’d be weird if there weren’t some side effects from what happened.” Steven chuckled, almost trying to convince himself. 

“We don’t expect you to instantly get better kiddo, but if you don’t take this into consideration it could happen all over again.”

“None of this is meant to scare you, Steven, we just need you to understand why you should consider seeking help.” Dr. Maheswaran said. 

“I mean I’m fine now, really,” He practically shouted, “I’m fine!”

Steven quickly fell silent, hands clamped around his knees, his eyes grew wide. 

_ He wasn’t fine. _

The blackened bruises and cuts came into focus.

_ How could a person who is  _ **_fine_ ** _ do this? _

His knuckles grew white with strain, his nails dug into his leg. The ache of his hand grew as he tightened his grip, bones cracking under the pressure. The small cuts burst open, leaving thin trails of blood down his fingers. 

Steven groaned, “Dammit…”

This was the final straw, days of hiding his fractures had finally gotten the best of him. His broken hand buckled under his strength, pain surging through him. Steven’s face curled in anguish as he grunted in pain. Tears leaked out of his eyes as Dr. Maheswaran swiftly ran to grab her medical supplies.

Greg looked down, frantic eyes meeting his son’s hand, “Steven what happened?”

_ What was the use in hiding it anymore anyway? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to give you a heads up I may not post next weekend on time. I will be taking a little break and my family and I will be without internet. Don't worry I can still write I just won't have a way to post, so look for chapter 9 on Monday or Tuesday.


	9. Acknowledgement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I am so sorry this took so long for me to post, but I think it'll be worth the wait. Also, I have never posted my Tumblr on here, so if you want to follow me my blog is rareheartzz. You can send in writing requests and fan art (wouldn't that be so cool) or really whatever you want.

Frantic was the best word to describe how Steven felt. Eyes were on him, he had to explain what happened. There was no way to hide it anymore, cuts, bruises, and blood couldn’t just disappear. The blood from the cuts Steven had busted opened continued to trail down his fingers. Drops fell to the floor below but Steven couldn’t move, he just stared intently at the pool forming on the floor. As the drops fell his cheeks shift to dark pink, and not the good kind. The heat was building inside him, his chest began rising and falling at a heightened pace. Slowly the pink started to spread, Steven could feel it, the smooth spread across his abdomen. It was only a matter of tie before it was across his entire body, his normal skin tone gone, replaced by that of his aura. His eyes darted between his father and Dr. Maheswaran, his father’s words echoing in his mind. 

_ Steven, what happened? _

The thoughts wouldn’t stop, they just built up. It was an accident, truly, just an outburst like before.

_ Steven, what happened? _

He took a moment and let his thoughts sink in. There was no way he was going to convince anyone he was okay if he didn’t believe so himself, and that was going to be hard considering Steven didn’t believe. His skin was growing pinker by the second and his thoughts were racing, the same thought that clogged his brain when he used his power against himself. That same black abyss was inching closer to him with every passing second.

“I’m okay. You don’t need to worry,” 

Steven quickly yanking his sweatshirt past his fingertips, holding his hand away from his father. Greg’s demeanor changed, he was still concerned, but now he was stern. He wanted to help his son, but that wasn’t possible if Steven wouldn’t let him. His calloused fingers reached out toward his son. Without thinking Steven recoiled, slamming his hand into his lap to keep it out of sight. 

“Please, don’t...” Steven’s voice began to break.

Tears streamed down Steven’s face as Greg slowly extended his arm towards him. With a soft touch, he pulled his son’s hand out of cover and placed it on his knee. Gently, Greg pulled the sleeve back to reveal the busted appendage. 

“Oh my god…”  
Shocked, Greg glanced over to Dr. Maheswaran who stood up and kneeled in front of Steven. She took the hand in her own as the boy evaded eye contact, “Steven, can you tell us honestly, what happened?”

Steven through sniveling tears muttered, “I-I didn’t mean to-” 

“Steven...” 

Dr. Maheswaran gently examined Steven’s hand, spying the many scrapes and bruises that graced his skin. The cuts that hadn’t split open were barely closed, some still giving off a fresh sheen. The placement of the cuts was irregular but vast in number, slashes deep in his flesh from where ceramic shards embedded into his skin. As her fingers outline the bruises Steven drew back, once again covering his hand and gritting his teeth.

Dr. Maheswaran sighed and looked up at the boy, “I’m not entirely sure this was an accident...”

The two adults waited for Steven to explain, allowing him time to find the words. Dr. Maheswaran stepped back to give him some space, however, Greg stayed next to his son. The man’s attention unwavering as Steven searched for what to say.

“You see its silly. I was in the shower and I went pink again. It happened so fast and well...” His gaze fell back to his hand, “ I got upset and I fell. I got angry and I-I slammed my fist-”

“Steven!” Greg practically shouted out of concern, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Dr. Maheswaran added, “Wait, hold on, Steven it’s entirely possible you broke something, were you just betting on your powers to heal you?” 

Steven turned to his father, he saw the concern and the guilt he caused. Greg opened his mouth, ready to take control of the situation when Steven cut him off. “What was I supposed to do? If I told you I’d just be letting you down,  _ again _ .”

The room fell silent again, Steven’s raised voice caused a hush amongst the adults. Tears were building in Greg’s eyes as he processed his son’s words.

“I can’t control everything that’s happening to me you do realize that right?” Steven continued, “I try so hard to be better, I try so hard to seem like I’m okay but I’m not.”

“Son-”

“No, you don’t get it, I’ve caused so many problems. All of the pain, the mistakes, they wouldn’t have happened if I was...”

Steven’s voice trailed, power was building inside him but the words fell short. Pink engulfed Steven’s body, his eyes burning from the tears. The voice in his head was repeating the words louder and louder as the seconds passed until they spilled out.  __ “None of this would have happened, I wouldn’t have destroyed your lives. I wouldn’t have ruined everything if I...” His voice broke under the strain, sobs spurting out, “If I wasn’t alive!”

Steven’s words echoed throughout the living room, they echoed throughout the house. His words bounced off the walls and flew back at him, repeating in his head. Greg’s hands flew over his mouth with a loud gasp and Dr. Maheswaran’s face dropped. Steven’s shoulders slumped and his face fell into his hands. He curled his fists into his hair and bawled, whimpers tumbling out of his mouth. Fingers tightened their grip and the remaining cuts flew open, blood trailing down his arm and soaking into the sleeve of his sweatshirt. The picture before Greg was horrifying, another physical manifestation of his son’s pain, but this time it was purposeful. The corruption was out of Steven’s control, his body gave out and manifested the suffering he had endured. However, the blood and bruises present at this moment were not the same, Steven had used his own body against himself willingly. Greg slowly guided Steven’s hands away from his head and the boy’s broken expression came into view. Bits of blood had connected with the soft skin on his face and created red blobs. 

“I need you to listen to me, I love you,” Tears streamed down Greg’s face,” It doesn’t matter to me what you have done or what happened, you are my son and that means I will take care of you no matter what.”

Steven’s body collided into his father’s shoulder, holding onto him tightly. Greg wrapped his arms around the fragile teen beneath him, resting his head atop the curly mess of Steven’s hair. Steven’s tears soaked the fabric of Greg’s t-shirt as he clung to him, “I’m sorry dad, I’m so sorry.” 

Muffled cries vibrated against Greg and rippled through the air. The slump of a boy clutching to his father with everything he had. The pink across Steven’s skin began to fade as the moment lived on. The comfort of Greg’s embrace and the exhaustion Steven felt was enough to bring Steven back to reality, back to his human self. He slowly pulled away from his father, eyes still glued to Greg’s face and a hoarse voice came from the grief-ridden teen, “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Dr. Maheswaran cut in and in a soothing voice said, “Right now I think the best course of action is to get you some medical help. Is that going to be alright?”

Steven nodded softly his eyes half-lidded. A pink outburst no matter how small left him exhausted, and right now with the pain and incredibly strong emotions running through him he had his fair share of fatigue. Dr. Maheswaran nodded and stood up, she made her way to the kitchen and grabbed her car keys and purse.

“I think it would be best if I drove us there,” She said eyeing Greg who still had his arms wrapped around his son.

“Should I tell Connie?” Steven muttered as he and Greg stood up from the couch.

“Steven, that’s up to you kiddo,” Greg answered.

“I don’t think I want her to come to the hospital, but would it be okay if I told her where we are going? I would rather Connie hear it from me.”

“Of course son, we’ll be right here when you’re done.” 

Dr. Maheswaran nodded in agreement, “I think she would appreciate it. I’ll take you up to her room.”

Steven followed Dr. Maheswaran up to Connie’s room, standing just shy of her shoulder. The walk was quiet but calm, the maternal presence easing Steven’s tension. Dr. Maheswaran stopped a few feet from her daughter’s bedroom, “Okay, just remember we are right here. We will get everything taken care of for when you are ready.” 

Dr. Maheswaran gave Steven’s shoulder a light squeeze as he continued towards Connie’s room. The door was open, so Steven rapped softly against the wood frame and peaked his head in. Connie was sitting atop her bed with a textbook in her lap and a highlighter and pen at the ready. She was so focused on her reading that she didn’t hear him enter, her eyes gliding across the page with ease. She began to run the point of the pen across the paper jotting down small notes in the margins. Steven knocked against the wood again, this time he was able to get Connie’s attention, her eyes a little dazed as they parted from her textbook. She smiled at the sight of Steven, but quickly her gaze fell to the bloody sleeve pressed against Steven’s side. Her eyes grew wide and she tossed the textbook onto the bed. Connie hopped down from her lofted bed and darted over to him.

The shock was written all over her face as she reached out for Steven’s arm, “Steven, what happened?” 

Steven caught her hand before it made contact and held it tightly. The teen’s eyes were full of tears and his lip was quivering, trying to hold them back. Connie glanced up at him confused, but Steven’s strong grasp didn’t waver. He slowly lowered her arm and let go before bringing his hand to the edge of the sweatshirt sleeve. “I don’t want you to worry, but-” Steven’s kind eyes implored, “After I talk to you I am going to the hospital.”

The cryptic nature of what he said only confused Connie more. Her concern peaked after hearing the word hospital. Steven could see it in her face, she was trying desperately to stay calm. Her foot tapped anxiously against the floor and her fingers twiddled with the hem of her shirt. Slowly Steven pulled the hem of the sleeve back to reveal his hand with fresh open wounds, “Before you came over yesterday I had another outburst.”

“S-Steven…” She was at a loss for words, “I’m sorry, I can’t believe I didn’t notice.”

Steven sighed, “Umm, it’s not as simple as I thought it was, there’s so much more... I don’t really know how to talk about it yet, but-”

Connie cut him off, “You don’t have to tell me if you aren’t ready, don’t force it out for my sake,” Tears began to build up in Connie’s eyes, her fingers reaching out towards Steven. They avoided his hand completely and instead pulled him into an embrace, “Either way, I am going to be by your side the whole time.”

Steven’s soft thank yous swam through the air as the pair stood holding each other firmly. Connie’s hand gently brushed against Steven’s shoulder blade as he sank deeper into her. Both teenagers had tear-streaked cheeks, the salty liquid soaking into the other’s shirt. After a few moments, Connie brought her hand up to Steven’s cheek and cupped it. Her fingers laid gently across his skin and her thumb caressed slowly. 

“Come back to me when you’re ready,” She wiped away a tear as it fell from Steven’s heavy eyes, “I’ll be waiting right here.”

Steven responded with a sad smile and a nod. He wasn’t ready to accept love and he wasn’t ready to be cared for. It didn’t matter if it was Connie or his father, he didn’t feel like he deserved it. Over the years Steven had put so much pressure onto himself that eventually, he became numb to it. The constant need to fix everything made it seem like even when his loved ones praised him there was something wrong, there would always be something wrong. No matter how hard he tried he kept messing up and it was impacting those around him. He overlooked his actions if they hurt himself in the process of helping someone else. If it meant keeping guilt and sorrow from others he would have hidden his hand indefinitely. 

“I think it's time I start facing this stuff,” Steven said raising his hand into view, “I can’t handle myself on my own anymore.”

Connie drew Steven’s face close and leaned her forehead to his, “You don’t have to face anything on your own, the people who love you are always going to be by your side.”

Gleaming eyes looked up at Steven as soft breath was exchanged between them. With a small gesture, their lips met. It was quick and innocent, more of a confirmation of affection than anything else. After they parted Steven tucked his face into the crook of Connie’s neck and wrapped his arms around her waist loosely. Steven’s body draped over her much smaller frame and slowly his breathing began to steady and his tears halted. The love radiating from Connie brought him peace at a time when his thoughts were anything but. Steven hummed as Connie’s fingers ran through his hair pulling him off of her. He understood she was worried, he may not have told her exactly what happened, but she could see the pain he was in, the turmoil he was going through. A nod confirmed that he needed to go, a silent acknowledgment. Connie’s hand ran down his frame till it reached his, and her fingers curled around his and smiled solemnly, “You’ll be okay…”

Steven turned and started to walk away, hit feet moving slow and steady. The growing distance pulling on Connie until they were no longer intertwined. Steven made his way back downstairs, tears tugging at his eyes as he walked down the hall away from Connie. His feet glided against the wood as he descended into the living room. Dr. Maheswaran and his father looked up at him from the couch as he walked towards them.

“I’m ready to go.”


	10. Surgery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to come on before the chapter and explain why I haven't posted in a while. As we all know there has been increasing tension in America with the resurgence of the BLM movement and the death of George Floyd. I thought it best not to post for a bit in honor of that. I attended a protest, signed petitions, but it just felt wrong to be updating on here at the beginning. Obviously we can't put everything in our lives on hold forever, but I wanted to at least give a grace period before I came back. If any of you want resources to contact me here in the comments or at my Tumblr (i will link below), but I thought i would just let you know why I was quiet for almost 3 weeks.
> 
> Keep fighting for the movement!
> 
> rareheartzz.tumblr.com

The voices faded in and out, only bits and pieces piercing through. 

“...Multiple fractures…”

“...Swelling... Decrease in size…”

“...Surg…”

Steven couldn’t make sense of what he was hearing. The voice was far away even though Dr. Maheswaran was sitting only a few feet away from him. Before him, there were flashing images, fractures covering the screen, the x-ray results that had finally come back. Greg touched his shoulder, pushing Steven out of his head. He could tell his son wasn’t there mentally during the conversation, he could tell something was off. It wasn’t hard to see that the young adult had completely shut off after the x-ray results came back. Dr. Maheswaran saw this too, she saw his glazed over eyes and fiddling hands, deflecting the truth as much as he could. She set down her chart, her notes, and paused for a moment, wondering if she should continue.

“Steven, can you hear me?”

The boy looked up, it was evident that he was upset by the situation but not exactly present for it. His gaze wasn’t steady and he seemed to be somewhere else entirely. Dr. Maheswaran hadn’t expected Steven to be able to retain most of the information, but he needed to understand the severity of his injuries. She didn’t want to scare him, no, she wanted him to comprehend the healing process. She didn’t want Steven to be surprised by the actions needed to get his hand and arm fully functioning again. It wouldn’t be easy, in fact, it would be incredibly hard, and it would probably take a lot out of him. Steven was used to healing himself, fixing his physical problems rather quickly. Even with his corruption, he had healed his back, closing the wounds quickly leaving aching scars in their place. This would be a different story, there were no signs that his healing powers were going to activate and take over, and even if they did it would be slow working as his body was still recuperating from the colossal amount of healing he had to use after his corruption. His hand would take months to heal, surgery, and physical therapy were on the table. He would have to dedicate himself to the process or he would have lingering side effects. This was no easy task to tell the 18-year-old who had already been through so much, but Dr. Maheswaran knew she had to do it.

“Kiddo we need you to listen, just for a few minutes so you understand what’s going to happen,” Greg said.

Dr. Maheswaran nodded and walked over to the observation table where Steven was seated. She stood next to him, turning her head to face the two Universe men, “Exactly, I know it’s going to be hard to comprehend this with everything else that is happening, but if you could try for just a little.”

Steven started slowly, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I can’t focus. I don’t know...”

“That’s fine son, I understand how hard this is, but we need you to listen now, okay?”

With a nod from Steven, Dr. Maheswaran proceeded with the discussion of his condition.

“To start, I have found multiple large fractures across your right hand. There are a few chondral or osteochondral fractures,” She chuckled slightly,” That’s just fancy doctor-speak for floating bone fragments.”

Steven’s lips formed a weak smile as Dr. Maheswaran continued.

“There were two rather large fragments that will have a hard time healing on their own. I’m not entirely sure how you were able to use it at all, especially for as long as you did. However, now, I’d like to focus on what is most troubling to me, your arm. A large fracture line has extended from your hand up to your forearm. This means that as time progressed, as you were putting more strain on your hand, the fracture began to grow, continuing to threaten the integrity of your bones.”

There was a pause.

“Does that make sense?”

“I think so, yeah.”

“Right, those are the big things to look at here and after some thought, I think I’ve decided what our best course of action is,” She took a sharp breath, “ I think under these circumstances you need an open reduction and internal fixation surgery or more simply put a bone fracture repair surgery.”

Steven’s eyes grew wide, his focus shooting up from his lap, “What! Are you sure?” Steven’s face was filled with concern, as his attention spiked, “I-I’ve never had surgery before.”

“Steven, those bone chips need to be placed back in the right spot and this fracture needs to have pins put in place to hold it together. If we don’t decide on surgery and just allowed you to heal on your own the fracture would end up causing more damage.”

Greg butted in, “We have no proof that you can heal yourself now, there is no magic to fall back on. I don’t want to wish for a miracle and have that put you in more pain.” 

The finality of it all slid across Steven’s face, he knew he couldn’t fight it. What would be the point anyways? Having surgery was the safest way for him to get better, to fix the problem he had created. As Dr. Maheswaran continued to talk Steven faded again, he knew what was going to happen. He knew he could trust his dad and Dr. Maheswaran with any important information. This wasn’t something a father could so easily forget after all. Steven’s thoughts clouded his mind again and the medical terms thrown around the room were nothing more than white noise. He was used to that by now, the hum of voices, the tap of soft footsteps, all the sounds of humanity seemed to drown out around him and floated like the wind. It all drown out against the loud hellscape of his mind, the guilt, the pain, and the everlasting abyss that pulled him closer.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bleak walls of the hospital beckoned him closer, the bright white was jarring, forcing his eyes wide open. Time didn’t exactly feel like it was passing at a normal rate, everything was flying by without a thought. Steven didn’t know how long it had been since his first appointment for his hand, he couldn’t even tell how long it had been since he inflicted the injury. Days, weeks, it all felt the same anyhow. He couldn’t place his finger on it, but his best guess was about a week. He had been spread so thin that he just floated through the period until today. 

Surgery at the time seemed like a scary thought, being sedated freaking him out the most. Now it felt like a blessing almost, the pain had gotten to a point where Steven could barely stand it anymore. Dr. Maheswaran had given him a brace and a sling to keep his hand and forearm stable, but it didn’t stop the pain, not one bit. He had tried to stay present, to talk to his father, to be with the gems, but he couldn’t. Steven tried to tell Connie, but he couldn’t muster up the courage to ask her over. She knew he was in pain, literal pain, and she knew he was going in for a procedure, that much was abundantly clear, but she still didn’t know what exactly happened. He needed the courage to tell her, to explain what he had done to himself, but right now that was the last thing he had. Maybe the thought of the purposeful nature of the injury scared him. 

Unlike his corruption, a part of him wanted this to happen. When his back was torn to shreds and he turned into that beast he hadn’t wanted it, it just happened. Steven hadn’t wished to become that thing, just as corrupted gems didn’t wish to become their manipulated forms. They hadn’t wished for the horns and the lack of conscious control over their actions, who would? Telling Connie that he was so angry with himself and everything that had happened that it forced him to retaliate was not on the table. The look in her eyes would break him, again. Steven couldn’t bear to live in that reality right now. 

He couldn’t face his family knowing what he had done, knowing that they would see the excruciating pain he was in, so he stayed holed up in his room. He wouldn’t eat except for when Pearl brought something to the final step of the stairs, and even then he left most of the food untouched. He rarely went downstairs unless he absolutely had to. He wanted to stay as far away from that place as possible, the memories of slicing his hand open in the kitchen, slamming his fist in the bathroom, but of course, it couldn’t be helped. The shattered tub eyeing him every time he entered, sending a shock wave of pain through his arm. The room stood as a reminder of the actions Steven took, the actions which shook his core the most. He would close the shower curtain to relieve some of his guilt but always ended up peaking back in, some part of him enthralled by the sight. Even though that day the water had washed away most of the blood, some shards were still tinted red. He would notice and immediately feel sick. Retching and heaving over the toilet at the image before him. A few times one of the gems or even his father would hear his cries and burst into the bathroom to see the teen hacking up what little he had in his system. They would have to force him away and hold him until the crying stopped. 

The days leading up to the surgery were a repeat of these events over and over again. The pain consuming him and the guilt overwhelming. It was an exceptionally hard time, but it was finally over. The surgery was closing in as his father led him down to his hospital room. Steven had requested his father be the only one who was allowed to come to the hospital on the day of the surgery, the only one to see him in that state. He knew he was going to be a nervous wreck, more than he had been in recent days because now he was going to be gone for a few hours. Steven was going to be sedated and have his consciousness stripped away from him. The thought alone was not that bad, but facing it head-on was a different story. He knew that Greg was one of the only people who could calm him down if things became too intense before the surgery. Obviously, Connie could as well, but that option was off the table. Steven refused to have her there, he had made that very clear to Dr. Maheswaran.

As the Universe’s entered the hospital room the environment didn’t change, the bright walls still present. Steven was well aware of every second that passed leading up to his surgery. He walked over to one of the chairs and sat down, the harsh material not giving much for comfort. His father placed their belongings on the floor next to him. There was an undeniable tension in the room, an uncomfortable silence following them from the beach house. This silence had been happening since the appointment and continued to today. Crazed thoughts consumed Steven who was unable to express his feelings and worry plagued Greg who didn’t know how to face it. 

“How are you feeling kiddo?” Greg asked as he placed a tentative hand on his son’s shoulder. 

Steven stayed still, in a trance of concern and anxiety. He had heard his father but didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t doing good, that was blatantly obvious, but what was the point in saying that. What was the point is making a statement that was clear to both of them.

“I-I’m just really nervous I guess,” Steven said quietly, “I don’t really know what to say, or how to feel. I just want this to be done, I want to move on and feel better already.”

Those words hurt Greg, knowing that his son just wanted the simplest thing in a time like this. He wasn’t concerned about the surgery or the sedation, he just wanted the pain, all of it, to stop. 

“I know son, I know. I won’t bother you anymore, but you know it won’t all go away after the surgery. You have an uphill battle ahead of you, but I’ll be here every step of the way and so will the gems.” He paused contemplating his next words carefully, “After your surgery, we need to set up that therapy appointment. It’s going to be really important in your healing process.”

“That’s fine, at this point I’m fine with anything to get these thoughts out of my head. Why do you think I’m not worried about being sedated” Steven said, trying to play his words off as a joke.  
Greg did not respond, he didn’t know how to follow a confession like that. All that followed was a simple apology from Steven.“Sorry.”

Soon the silence consumed them, the dread of waiting slipped through the door once again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I want to let you know I am posting on Wattpad now too. I'll have the link below, but I thought I'd branch out and try to reach more people.
> 
> https://www.wattpad.com/story/229047099-hollow-inside


	11. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry again for the two weeks instead of 1, I stayed with my girlfriend for a week. I haven't been able to see her since the whole corona thing started and I had to move back home (8 hours away), so I hope you understand.

Flashes of orange and yellow surrounded the atmosphere, crashing waves loud against the sandy beach. Steven sat just shy of the shore, bits of ocean water splashed onto his shins as the sun began to set. The glow was stunning, light refelting off of the water and encapsulating the world in gold. The moment was serene, something he hadn’t felt in weeks, something he hadn’t felt in years. He looked down at his hand, it was clean, no bruises or cuts were covering his skin anymore. His fingers were intertwined in the sand, letting the grains move around his fingers and imbed themselves under his nails. The warmth was calming, so he laid back, allowing himself to fall deeper into the peace. Steven could feel the heat against his neck now and stared up at the cloudless sky above. There was hardly any blue left as the yellow hues overwhelmed and corrupted the sky. 

There was a streak of pink above, a wave of rosy tones gliding across the sky covering what was once there. It was empty, no differing shades, just pink surrounding him, all-encompassing. It felt like the first time he stepped into his mother’s room in the temple, shades of pink all around him, and a feeling. The feeling was hard to describe, hard to put into exact vocabulary, but it felt wrong. It felt wrong like when all eyes in a room were glued to him. Steven was no stranger to that feeling, memories of dancing as Stevonnie at Sour Cream’s party creeping through the warm sand and into his head. Thoughts quickly shifting to the ball on Homeworld, the eyes of the diamonds and their courts unwavering, focused on them. To try and rid himself of the memories Steven shut his eyes tight and shook his head, opening them to see Connie standing above him. Her arm was outstretched in front of her, reaching for him. He sighed, relief flooding his system, and took her hand. 

Connie pulled him up off of the sand slowly and wrapped her arms around him as he stood up, “What’re you doing sleeping down here? We don’t want you getting a sunburn or getting attacked by the tide now do we?” 

She chucked and she pulled away from Steven and looked out over the water with a flush on her cheeks. It was a look Steven had seen before, but it was always welcome in his eyes. He loved seeing her vulnerable, she always tried so hard to be perfect, the perfect soldier, the perfect knight, but he just wanted her to be Connie. She looked back at Steven as her hair fluttered in the breeze, a smile plastered across her face. Steven held his hand out and a childish grin crept onto his face. Connie hesitated for a moment, her blush spreading from her cheeks before she placed her hand atop his. As her fingers touched his skin the rose-colored sky darkened and deepened. Steven’s felt fear trickle down his spine as the colors changed. His focus, still on Connie’s hand, faded. The details around her felt wrong, something was different. It wasn’t her anymore, or at least not the one he had grown used to over the past couple years. Her jean shorts and the collared top were gone, instead, she wore a light blue dress. It felt familiar, the sky, the patch of beach, the dress. Suddenly everything fell into place, it was that night. Steven let his eyes slowly trail up her body till they fell on her face,  _ her face _ . Long, dark hair framed it, her youth just as it had been that day. It had been so long since he had seen her like this, so embarrassed and unsure of herself. It was that night, the first night they fused. The self-conscious girl looked at him with trusting eyes and he pulled her forward. With a small yelp, the two of them began to dance, nothing fancy, simple steps at first, but as Steven felt more confident he pulled away and spun Connie. The two of them continued to dance, now separate, at their own pace and in their own style. Steven loved it, the feeling of the music which was muffled by the sand, and the warmth of his cheeks as he saw Connie enjoying herself. She looked so free, fears of dancing around someone, and being stared at faded away as the two of them danced around each other. Steven brought his arms above his head and ducked as he flowed with the music, but quickly his plans changed as he ran into Connie. He lost his footing and was about to fall into the ground when Connie’s arms wrapped around his waist. They froze, everything felt hazy as the pair stared wide-eyed at each other before quickly melting into giggles. Their laughter picked up as Connie leaned her forehead against Steven’s and a warm, bright, pink glow filled the atmosphere around them. Steven remembered the next moment very well, stashed that feeling away when he needed to draw on something good, but another feeling came instead. 

Thumping electronic music overwhelmed their thoughts, eyes shifting swiftly around the room. Vacant stares were the only things they received in return. Blank faces with blank eyes boring into them, carving a hole in their chest. 

“This is how it’s supposed to be, why isn’t it like its supposed to be?”

Fear took over, the fear of being watched of being judged for being themself. As the world curled in around them all they could muster were a few confused grunts before they were alone. Stevonnie was enclosed inside something, bright and flashing lights swirled around them. They shut their eyes, tight, and brought their hands to their ears, gripping tightly into their long brown locks.

“Pink what are you doing!”

When they opened their eyes the flashes were gone, and the air was stiff. 

“I was just dancing-”

Their voice was cut short as all the breath in their lungs disappeared. 

“Pink this is completely unacceptable, unfuse or I’ll make you!”

The sight before Stevonnie was horrific, a memory that Steven never wanted to resurface. 

“I don’t understand, why am I here?” Stevonnie screamed at the diamonds, their voice bouncing off the walls and smashing right back into them. They crumpled to the floor, tears soaking through their pink gloves. The world around them grew dark and the echo of the great hall faded. 

“I cannot believe you, making a scene like that!”

Steven looked up to see Blue Diamond towering over him, and to his right to see Connie kneeling beside him. They were no longer fused, Connie’s hand rested on his shoulder as she reasoned with the much larger gem.

“What is going on…” At first, his voice was low and quiet, grasping at straws trying to figure out the situation. 

He balled up his fist and squeezed his eyes tight as he yelled, “What is going on!”

As the words left this mouth he felt different, weighted. There was muffled screaming near him, but he couldn’t open his eyes to see who it was.

“Steven! Steven, please!”

It was Connie’s voice, but she never sounded like that.

“Steven wake up! Look at me, please...”

She sounded scared, terrified but Steven couldn’t remember why. His eyes fluttered open and as soon as they did he knew where he was. 

“I don’t want to be...please not here,” hoarse words fell from his lips as he took in the room. This was a place he never wanted to go back to, a memory he had tried to lock away for good. 

“NO!” His scream pierced through the room shattering everything in its path. The statue-like gems broke into dust, Connie’s figure drifted away, and the walls around him started crumbling. The white room disintegrated and left behind a black void. Soon all that was left was  _ him, _ his bright pink glow piercing through the darkness. 

“Please, why am I here?” He asked the figure before him, and with no response, he screamed, “I don’t want to remember any of this!” 

His words clawed through the thick air. The pink figure of himself stood before him unphased by the outburst and slowly inched towards him. Steven sat, frozen, unable to move, he wasn’t afraid, not exactly. He was unsure of what would happen next, would it play out like the memory? That seemed unlikely now that they were in a completely different space. 

There were no echoing footsteps, other than the quick breaths Steven was taking in the room was silent. With one final step, the figure was standing in front of him. Steven didn’t move, he didn’t breathe, he just waited. 

“You have no choice, you can’t forget them. You can’t forget-” mid-sentence the aura transformed, what was once the spitting image of Steven himself shifted, morphed into someone else, “ me…”

Tears pricked Steven’s eyes, a burning sensation fell across his entire body. The image of his mother, Rose Quartz, kneeled before him. Her pink ringlets bounced as she bowed her head and let out a sigh.

“I never wanted any of this to happen, Steven, I just wanted you to be able to live the human life I always wanted.”

“How’re you…”

“I’m  _ you, _ remember? I’ve always been here, but you never needed me, not like you do now.”

As she spoke the tears slowly started to trickle down Steven’s face, not out of sorrow, out of anger. That same rage that had been building slowly, showing itself at minor inconveniences, was boiling inside of him. 

“Why would I need you? You left your cosmic burden for me to clean up, you made my life hell!” Steven shouted, sobbing at his mother.

“I did…”

The hot-headed boy left no time for her to speak, “What, did you have me just so you could escape everything? Leave the clean up for someone else?”

“I can’t sit here and tell you that thought didn’t cross my mind. If I had a child, yes, I wouldn’t have to fight anymore, but as I said I am a part of you. Having you made it so I no longer had a physical form, but it didn’t kill me.”

“Wait,” Steven let his temper die down ever so slightly, “ Does that mean you’re actually here, this is real?”

“Think of it like my, our, room, but here I have thoughts and emotions. The Rose you can conjure in my room has artificial versions of those things, but here my feelings are real. I feel what you feel, I see what you see. I know the pain and the torment you put yourself through because I am you.”

It took a few seconds for Steven to register what she said. The idea made sense, everyone had always said Rose was “gone, not that she died. She had disappeared from the physical plane of existence, yes, but her consciousness transferred inside of Steven, like memory stored on a hard drive, he just never had access to it.

“W-Why did you never help me? If you saw how broken I was, how broken I  _ am _ , why didn’t you do anything? Was I never worth saving?”

“There was nothing I could do,” She sighed and looked past Steven’s shoulder, “I saw you, when you were corrupted, you were here, but you didn’t want my help.”  
Steven looked over his shoulder to see himself curled up on the ground. Steven could only remember pieces from that day, from the corruption, but now he was seeing himself. His shirt was shredded, but there were no injuries, no blood. Rose stood up from in front of Steven and walked towards the memory. She placed her hand on his back and gently comforted him.

“You shut down, even if you wanted to you couldn’t have asked for help, That’s what corruption does, it twists and manipulates who you are, ” She motioned for Steven to come towards her, “You looked like you were in so much pain, but there was nothing I could do.”

As Steven walked towards her, he felt everything all over again. The physical pain he could handle, but the mental anguish was too much. He toppled over mere feet away from the memory and clutched his chest. He could feel his human and corrupt halves equally now, and it was almost unbearable. 

“You were in so much pain, but you couldn’t see me,” Rose pointed to a new section of the memory which started to materialize. A distraught figure was running towards the boy shaking on the ground, she knelt beside him and tried fruitlessly to snap him out of it. It was Rose, a distraught mother trying so hard to help her son, but no matter how much she pleaded he wouldn’t move. He stayed on the ground until echoes started to fill the chasm. The voices of his family rang out one by one, ending with Connie.

Steven hesitated, “You said you couldn’t save me because I didn’t want help so how did they get through to me?”

Rose didn’t respond, instead, she waited for the memory to finish, for the ending to come. As Connie’s voice rang out one final figure appeared beside the crippled boy on the ground, the same boy who held his hand out to Connie all those years ago. 

“Do you see now? 

“It was me after all…” Steven muttered as the memories faded away in the darkness.

“You may not be able to feel it, but there is a part of you that wants help, that wants to help yourself. You just need to manifest those feelings outside of your mind.” Rose said as she sat back down.

Steven sighed, he knew she was right, she was part of him after all. The teen sat across from his mother and pondered the predicament he was in. His eyes flashed around the room, across the blackness of it all. It felt familiar, not in the sense that he had been there before, but that he had felt its presence. 

“Since you feel what I do, do you know those longing feelings, that emptiness in me?” Steven asked his mother and she nodded slowly.

“This is that place isn’t it, the abyss?” Another nod came as his response, “The place that puts those horrible thoughts in my head-”  
“This _place_ doesn’t do anything Steven, the thoughts come from years of built of experiences,” She paused,” Yes this is the place that holds your deepest thoughts, but you have only been able to see the bad ones recently.”

“It isn’t all bad in here?”  
“Where do you think that little boy came from?”

All in an instant the black started to fade. It began to crack and break away like old paint on a wall, and Rose was going with it. She smiled one last time at Steven, warm and calm, and then she disappeared along with the rest of the room. The specs and particles drifting through the air and swirling around Steven. 

“Oh, Steven! Good, you’re awake.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter, this is actually one of my favorites that I've written so far. This chapter is kind of for @wick10 on here who made a comment a while ago about an idea. It may not be exactly what they said, but I had their comment in my brain for a good portion of my writing process.


	12. hiatus

guys i’m so sorry to do this but i have to go on a hiatus 

i have no motivation to write this right now (i started a new job and am pretty busy) but i will come back to it when i have the motivation 

i even had part of chapter 12 written out i just can’t contain in good conscious knowing it wouldn’t be up to standard for you guys 

lemme know if you want any one shot ideas cause i could probably bust some of those out (i’m working on one for attack on titan right now) but again the motivation has lost me 

sorry again   
sophie

**Author's Note:**

> Criticism is definitely much appreciated!  
> Let me know what you would like to see in upcoming chapters, a therapy visit, a talk with the diamonds, or maybe he finds a way to talk to Rose/Pink? I am open to all ideas.  
> *Update*  
> I will try to get a new chapter up weekly, but you know how writer's block goes sometimes. I am hoping for every Saturday, so look out for that.


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